Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?

The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.

Wonderful, said the psychiatrist.

Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.

Definitely, said the psychiatrist.

Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.

Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor.

And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.

There were three blokes talking in the pub.


Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.


After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?


The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.


The first two blokes were amazed.


What happened then? they asked.


She said, GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!

You might be a redneck if…
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

Their amp.

In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people
call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didnt matter. The trouble was that
he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This
innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally
they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex.
She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What
a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to
think that all men were the same, so he told her, I tell you something,
Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing. She believed him.

The Tiger of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for
weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and
began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasnt there.
He then went down through the village looking for her. Mary, Mary, where are
you? Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very
angry and frustrated. You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good
for nothing and begins to hit and fight with him. Hey whoa, whats the
matter baby, what did I do? I didnt do nothing why you mad at me? our tiger
asks.

Mary says, Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the
street? Well he has one also and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks
about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.
Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best
friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him
one, he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.

Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the shit out of him. You dumb ass,
pendejo, stupido, ignorante, she yells at him, YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE.

This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things
are getting pretty hot and heavy.

Put your finger inside me, she asks, and hes only too happy to oblige.

Put another finger inside me, she orders, moaning in pleasure.

Put your whole hand inside me.

Put both hands indide me.

Now clap.

I cant! the guy protests.

Tight, huh? she smiles.

Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others mistakes (what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe its more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the bureaucratic piles of paperwork and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure what it really does add up to 66.

Un enanito ve en el periódico un anuncio que decía:

Todos los niños entran gratis al cielo, nomás tienes que cantar la canción de naranja dulce, limón partido

Este enanito sabía que se iba a morir y pronto se va a rasurar y se muere, y ya en cielo de las puertas del cielo sale un micrófono y los niños empiezan cantar:

Naranja dulce,limón partido… dame un abrazo, que yo te pido

Y el primer niño pasa… y luego el segundo igual… y ya le llega la hora al enanito y empieza a cantar:

Naranja dulce, limón partido… dame un abrazo, que yo te pido.

Y se mete el micrófono y salen unos altavoces y le dicen:

¡Serás enano, serás lampiño… pero esos huevos, no son de niño!

A caller named Eileen from Dearborn Heights was stopped at a red light on
West Road in Trenton when she saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of her:

Honk if you love Jesus

She does, so she did.

The driver got out with what looked like a sawed-off baseball bat, and
smashed dents into her hood.