How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Man: Havent we met before?

Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?

Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Id really like to get into your pants.

Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.

Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you.

Woman: (Tries to ignore him.)

Man: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?

Woman: Hmmm…you really love sex and travel?

Man: (Nods his head smiling.)

Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

Man: (Trying to pick up this girl.)

Woman: Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on?

Man: (Merely shudders a negative.)

Woman: Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: What sign were you born under?

Woman: No Parking.

Man: (Comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line.)

Woman: (Grabs his crotch, looks down at it, and looks back at
him.) Sorry, I dont see any potential here
(Nonchalantly walks off.)

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

Man: (Tells a pick-up line at the airport bar.)

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

Man: (Graying man in his 60s.) Where have you been all my life?

Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

Man: (Glancing at a girl who had just walked by.)

Woman: What are you looking at?

Man: I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.

Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason!

Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

Woman: (Turning and looking at him. Lips parted and moistened
with the tip of tongue. Leaning towards him with her
hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of
dinner plates.) Youve got a large donkey or Doberman?

Man: (Pick-line.)

Woman: Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

A man called into a local radio station (93.3 KDKB) and told the
morning guys that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he
quit smoking, he wasnt going to get any sex.

They asked him, How long do you think youll be able to hold out?

Reply: Until my girlfriend dies.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?

Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer.After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.

Ill take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free! He went into a butchers shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joes fly. They then went to a nearby bar.

Two beers, said Bruce to the barman. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joes fly.

Get out of my bar, you gay bastards! the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.

I just cant do this anymore, Bruce whined.

My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. Well have to swap places.

We cant, said Joe.

We lost the sausage after the third pub.

USOS Y ABUSOS DE LA PALABRA MIERDA:

Ubicación geográfica: ¡vete a la mierda!

valor dietético: ¡come mierda!

adjetivo calificativo: ¡eres una mierda!

egocentrismo: se cree la gran mierda

venganza: ¡hagámoslo mierda!

accidente: ¡se hizo mierda!

efecto visual: ¡no se ve ni mierda!

sentido del olfato: huele a mierda

metamorfosis: chocó y se hizo mierda

especulación: ¡que sera esa mierda!

superlativo: purísima mierda

insatisfacción sexual: esa tipa es una mierda

sorpresa: ¿que mierda es eso? ¡mierda!

egoísmo: no me regaló ni una mierdita

sentido del gusto: tiene gusto a mierda

ánimos: apúrate con esa mierda

despectivo: no se que se cree la mierda esa

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.



The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?



Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iowa!
Iowa who?
Iowa you a dollar!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, Oh, youre here! Walk away yelling and complaining.