Old and New Jokes

They wanted it to be a very special occasion, one, which would never be forgotten. A safari Bar Mitzvah was being done too often, a neighbors son had had his ceremony at the Wailing Wall, and the South


Pole was just too cold.

So the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi, family, and all their friends into space. The scientists had returned from MIR and it was not being used at present. The excursion created a lot of worldwide attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.

The first person off the shuttle was the grandmother, and the reporters asked her, How was the service?

Grandma answered, OK.

How was the boys speech?

OK.

How was the food?

OK.

Everything was just OK? You dont seem to have liked it? What was wrong?

There was no atmosphere!

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached
Bubba and said solemnly, Baptism is a serious step.
Are you prepared for it?

I think so, the Bubba replied. My wife has made some
food for the event.

I dont mean that, the priest responded. I mean, are you
prepared spiritually?

Oh, sure, came the reply. Ive got a keg of beer and a case
of whiskey.

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wifes interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. Its free, St. Peter replied. This is Heaven.Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the greens fees? St. Peter replied, This is heaven, you play for free. Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man. Dont you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free! St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly.St. Peter lectured, Thats the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven. With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault! If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they dont smell and are silent."The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly."The doctor says, "Good! Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing…."

Stick copper and zinc electrode needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
Shove them back and forth in Richard Geres butt. Creates static electricity.
Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
Convince hamsters theyre really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
Have hamster steal one of kubes magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.
Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once theyre at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mas to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEOs pants unless he gives you a power plant.
Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
(This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of anti-matter, a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power.
Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.

b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because theyre smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.

c. Feed the hamsters.

d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.

e. Periodically drain off the voltage.

Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.

P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldnt even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)
Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power source.
Give the hamster to Scotty, hell find some way to yield 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.
Take thousands of hamsters into orbit; when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
Pull the hamster out of root@sodas ass. Then when they turn red and embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
Amass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity.
Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova … you couldnt want any more energy than that.
Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters, spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit, use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, theyve got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; operationally, youve now got electricity. (I say five or six hits, because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word Krups is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards.)
Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.
It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai,_Adv. Quan. Mech.
Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricity.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

El padre le dice a sus hijos:

Si me prometéis no fumar hasta cumplir los veintiún años, os daré cien mil pesetas en ese día.

La hija mayor, que tiene diecisiete años, recibe la noticia con entusiasmo:

¡Cien mil pesetas! ¡Te lo prometo, papá!

El segundo, que ha cumplido quince años, dice:

Tendré que pensármelo; me falta mucho para llegar a los veintiuno.

El padre se dirige al menor, de diez, que escucha preocupado.

¿Y tú, Daniel, que dices?

¡Lástima, papá! ¿Por qué no me lo ofreciste antes?

One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out

of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness… The K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job.



-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.



-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.



-It doesnt matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them out.



-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.



-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.



-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.



-When foreigners are alone, they all prefer to speak English to each other.



-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.



-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.



-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.



-Every time a person turns on the television to see the news, he instantly sees what he wants and what concerns him.