Old and New Jokes

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women dont?

A: A bellybutton!

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.

The man lowered his head and said, Wedding cake.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, I built a big house for our mother. The second said, I sent her a Lexus with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cant see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. Hes one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

Milton, she wrote one son, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

Gerald, she wrote to another, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!

Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.

Jewish mama: Do you want some pudding/desert? Ive got some strudel and some cheescake.

Son: Ill have some cheesecake please.

Jewish mama: So whats wrong with the strudel?

By all the Big Wheels parked on his front lawn!

Va kim Bassinger a confesarse y el cura en cuanto la ve se pone nervioso:

Ave maría purísima.

Sin pecado concebida.

Mire padre que tengo unas dudas.

Dime, hija mia, cuéntame.

Padre: ¿con esta cara puedo ser virgen?

Ejem… pues claro hija mía.

En eso Kim se quita la blusa, se baja el sujetador, se agarra las tetas y dice: ¿Y con estas tetas? ¿puedo ser virgen padre?

El cura muy empalmado ya dice: Pues claro que sí hija mía, claro que puedes.

Kim se quita los pantalones, se baja las braguitas, le enseña el chichi y le dice: ¿Y con este chichi? ¿puedo ser virgen?

El cura ya no puede más y se sale del confesionario y se pone de rodillas ante el altar y empieza a rezar: Padre altísimo, se que la carne nos está prohibida pero, por favor, me está faltando la fe Señor, dame una señal para seguir creyendo…

En esto que se oyen unos golpes fortísimos de frente; el cura mira el cristo cruficado golpeándose contra la pared y gritando: QUITAME LOS CLAVOS JODER, QUITAME LOS CLAVOOOOS!!!

Tuesdays Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of
JFK airports International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some
interesting ideas on how to clean it up:

In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphols urinals would pass inspection in an
operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that
each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black
outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.

It improves the aim, says Aad Kieboom. If a man sees a fly, he aims at
it. Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphols own building expansion.
His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce
spillage by 80%.

We will put flies in the urinals — yes, Jan Jansen says in a back office
at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as
of noon today. It gives a guy something to think about. Thats the
perfect example of process control.

His New York public relations attendant titters. Fine, laugh at me, Mr.
Jansen says. It works.

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit
suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank
some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment.

He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through
the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into
the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him
vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman
and was taken to hospital, where he died … of exposure!

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, Life isnt so bad after all, and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

Thank you, he said. I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

Dancing? Im not dancing! the armless man replied bitterly…

My asshole itches, and I cant scratch it!

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter."Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion… it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers wont dig into the ground." The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!""Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! Were gettin farther away from our truck!"