Old and New Jokes

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

How do you know when a womans about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with A man one told me ….

If I like it, its mine.

If its in my hand, its mine.

If I can take it from you, its mine.

If I had it a little while ago, its mine.

If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If Im doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

If I saw it first, its mine.

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

If its broken, its yours.

The last words of a chemist:

4. … and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

One day 3 dogs wer sitting in front of the vets office. The 1st dog notcies the othher dogs and asked them what they did.

i ate my owners cord said the first dog.

and im getting put 2 sleep.

me 2said the 2nd dog.

what did u doasked the 1st dog to the 3rd dog.

well u c my owner likes 2 do her house work in the nude so yesterday she was vacuuming in the nude of course and i couldnt resist i jumped on and had the ride of my life.

responded the 3rd dog.

so your getting put 2 sleep 2?

asked the 2nd dog.

no, im getting my nails trimmed.

At an out of town bar, a young man was watching a very pretty brunette in a corner booth. After a couple of drinks he got up the nerve to walk over and ask to buy her a drink. To his surprise she invited him to join her.

They have a great time and she invites him to her place after a few more drinks.



When they arrive at her place she says she wants to get comfortable and she leaves the room to change. The young man pulls out a cigerette but cant find a lighter so he asks the lady if she has one.



She tells him to look in the drawer by the bed. He does and he finds the matches and a picture of a man stuffed into the drawer.



The woman comes out of the bathroom in a slinky teddy and they start to go at it pretty heavy, but the young man starts to get nervous about the picture. So he decides to ask. Is that a picture of your husband in the drawer?



No silly. she answered, and they started up again.



She rolled over for him to enter her for anal sex, but he is still worried. Is it your boyfriend he asks.



No silly, she answered again.



Soon the young man explodes in the woman, rolls over exhausted but still worried.



Well who the heck is the guy in the picture? he finally asks in annoyance.



She sits up next to him, takes a match out of the box strikes it across her face and lights a cigerette for him. Oh, that was me before the operation.

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said Ya know Mahtha, Ahd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.

Every year Martha would say, Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.

So Stumpy says, By Jeebers Mahtha, Im 71 yeahs old, if I dont go this time I may nevah go.

Martha replies, Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.

So the pilot overhears them and says, Folks, Ill make you a deal, Ill take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I wont charge you, but just one word and its ten dollars.

They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing… so fair is fair and he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didnt!

And Stumpy replies, Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out… but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!

A kangaroo hops and chews and a lumberjack chops and hews.

I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday.

The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal.

One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child.

Nonsense, said the doctor, I dont see how it could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, Ill do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00……on one condition. (There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. (controlling huh?)The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the mans hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said….Clean my house.