A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well, Ill be, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.

It was a the end of the day for the boaters on a small lake. One boat had not returned. The dock master could see the boat on the water. He calls out Boat number 91, its time to return to the dock!

His boss hears him call out to boat 91. The boss says to the dock master, We dont have a boat number 91.

At that, the dock master pauses, then turns to the boat on the water and calls out, Boat number 16, do you have a problem?

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldnt wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,Honey, Ill be right back …

Where are you going, coochie coo …? asked the wife.

Im going to the bar, pretty face. Im going to have a beer.

The wife says to him, You want a beer my love?

Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesnt know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, Yes, loolie loolie … but the bar … you know … the frozen glass …

He didnt get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, You want a frozen glass, puppy face?

She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors doeuvres that are really delicious … I wont be long. Ill be right back. I promise. OK?

You want hors doeuvres, poochi pooh?

She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors doeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork, strips, etc …

But, sweet honey … at the bar … you know … the swearing, the dirty words and all that …

You want swearing, cutie pie? … HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS! YOU AINT GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!?!

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name Mount and Do.

Pepsis proposed ad campaign suggests:

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?

Daddy was relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?

The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

Rogers Chocolates is a company that produces possibly the
most wonderful chocolates on the face of this here Earth.

They have a store up in Whistler, BC, and while I was late
getting to the store, I did enjoy the sign in the window:

Sorry, were
C L O S E D
Try not to drool on the windows

A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a
salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.

— Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making
a hire purchase agreement?

— Ill buy it on HP, thanks.

So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP
application. Then, to the salesmans astonishment, he signs at the
bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.

— What are these crosses?

— Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is BSc
(Agriculture).

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came


back.


She replied, So did my arthritis.

so there is this guy crossin the street.when suddenly he notices a car bearing down on him. the man jumps left, and the car swerves left, he jumps right the car swerves right, at the last moment the man panics and freezes.the car locks the brakes slides sideways right up to the man and lurches to a halt. just then the drivers window rolls down. a squirrel sticks his head out the window and says Its fucked up isnt it