Old and New Jokes

Question: Why did the hamster cross the road?

Answer: Because it was stuck in the Chickens ass!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY – She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didnt work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said Im afraid of needles, the electric chair wont work so youre going to have to hang me.

You might be a redneck if…

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

The directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

yo mama is just so stupid

The following is a letter I sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. I still havent received a response …

Miller Brewing Company

Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80s). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.

For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label.

That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didnt like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

Your cans are made of aluminum.
Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. Theres no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38( and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95(.

Beer TypeAverage Suckpoint (min)
Miller Lite (white can)6.2
Bud (white can)5.5
Bud Lite (silver can)5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can)4.4
Coors Lite (silver can)4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can)2.8
Coors (gold can)0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee

Beer-drinker

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa
was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus
told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More
stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened
the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas, Santa. Isnt it a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning when he came across a prostitute at an intersection. He asked her what she would charge for an evening.

She replyed that she charges $150 dollars. Bill then asked if she would spend the evening for $10.

She said no and Bill jogged away.

The next day Bill was out jogging with Hillary. The prostitute was back at the same intersection.

As Bill and Hillary passed the intersection the prostitute called out Well thats what you get for $10.

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

Youre all grown men, he said, and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.

What? gasped one of the sons. Do you mean to say were all bastards?

Yes, snapped the old man, and cheap ones, too!

I love my master;

Thus I perfume myself with

This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up

In the sunshine, happier than

You ever will be.

Today I sniffed

Many dog butts – I celebrate

By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!

Paperboy – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!

Garbage man – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and

Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot –

Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?

The ways are numberless as

My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!

I am so ecstatic I have

Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain.

Look, world, they strangle me! Ack

Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot – no greater bliss – well,

Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and

Deny it. No human could

Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all

Bad – she fills the litter box

With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence – why?

Because its there. Because its

There. Because its there.

I am your best friend,

Now, always, and especially

When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,

But they are far more – I call

Them a vocation.

My owners mood is

Romantic – I lie near their

Feet. I fart a big one.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com