Old and New Jokes

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, This is Sister Margaret. Theres been a terrible mistake! She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said hed get right on it.
The next day the nun didnt hear from Saint Peter and called him back. Please set this error straight before tomorrow, she begged. Theres an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!
Of course, Sister, he said. Ill get you out of there right away.
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard,Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldnt get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldnt bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing…I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone…

An old professor at a university was in the habit of starting each days lecture with a vulgar joke. After one particularly egregious example, all the female studnts in the class held a meeting. They decided that the next time he spoke rudely would be the last, as they would leave the lecture hall, never to return.
The very next day, the professor walked into the hall, and began by asking,
Have you heard about the shortage of whores in India?
As one, en masse, the women in the hall rose, and began to file out.
At this point, the professor raised his hand, and cried out,
Wait, ladies! The boat doesnt leave until tomorrow!

-From: Burton Hillis

You have to admire trees. Even though they start to lose their leaves,
they never consider growing a beard.

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report… his own murder. The man told the operator he had been "murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes." Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. "It was obvious he hadnt been murdered," said one of the arresting officers.NO… WERE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOUTwo wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes — including a boa constrictor — hidden in the mens pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics… but in the words of one investigator, "drugs dont move around like that."SAFETY FIRSTFour masked gunmen entered a bank in Jackson, Mississippi armed with automatic weapons and pulled a daring daylight heist. The banks armed security guard didnt intervene to stop the robbery… because he was too busy hiding in the banks bathroom. The guard told police that when he heard people in the bank screaming, he went into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Jackson police declined to criticize the guards actions, noting that he could have been killed if the robbers had seen him.WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "DOPE?"A man who showed up at the Knoxville, Tennessee, police department for a court-ordered safe driving class never made it — he ended up in jail instead. Police say the man was killing time waiting for the class to begin by smoking a joint in the police station parking lot. A passing police cadet smelled the odor of marijuana and approached the mans car. When he spotted the uniformed cadet, the man backed out of the parking space so quickly he almost ran over her. The man drove out of the police lot…parked at a bank across the street… then returned to the police department property for traffic school. He was arrested instead. Good news for the luckless motorist: he wasnt charged with a drug offense. The bad news: he was charged with aggravated assault with a vehicle.OUR EXPERTISE IS FREE. AND YOU WILL BE TOO…IN ABOUT TEN YEARSA pot farmer in Franklin, Tennessee was undone by his ego, a roll of film and an alert employee of a photo store. Franklin police commander Larry Barnes explains: "This old boy had these nice plants growing…and he took some nice 35-millimeter shots to show to his friends." Unfortunately for the suspect, one of the photo experts at Wolf Camera & Video recognized the plants in the pictures and made a call to police. Officers who searched the mans residence found a well-equipped indoor pot-growing operation set up in one of the homes closets.OH. WHEN YOU SAID CLEAN IT, I THOUGHT…
An alleged drug dealer was arrested in Vero Beach, Florida after he took the wrong bag to the cleaners. When a worker at the store opened the bag he found, not laundry, but three pounds of marijuana.DONT WORRY MAN… I THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING A group of drug smugglers hatched aplan to empty the tank of a propane truck and use it to smuggle six thousand pounds ofmarijuana across the border from Mexico into Texas. Though clever…the men were not toobright: they were caught because they misspelled the name of the gas company they hadpainted on the side of the truck.NOW THATS WEIRD…A woman in Bulls Gap, Tennessee reported to police that she was assaulted at her home by a man who struck her twice in the head with a dead squirrel and pushed her into a bathtub.BET HE HAS TROUBLE FINDING THE TV REMOTE TOOA Conyers, Georgia man who bought a used Mercedes convertible then reported it stolen found out that the car was equipped with one extra accessory he didnt know about: a LoJack anti-theft tracking device. When police activated the device, they were able to quickly track the car down: it was parked in the mans basement…along with three other cars that had recently been reported stolen.LOOKS LIKE AN INSIDE JOBA seven-year employee of Arizona State University in Phoenix was arrested and charged with stealing money and compact discs from a campus office. She has been charged with breaking and entering, burglary, and possession of burglary tools. The suspect is the coordinator of crime prevention programs at ASU. She was arrested at her office — which is located at the Phoenix police department. WAKE UP, POPS… BEFORE SOMETHING STUPID HAPPENS!A 72-year old murder defendant in Little Rock, Arkansas fell into a sound sleep as he awaited his case to be announced. He was still asleep when his two daughters and a public defender entered a not-guilty plea for him. At about that same moment, a man sitting next to the slumbering defendant shook him awake. Aroused from his slumber but not fully aware of the proceedings, the man jumped to his feet and shouted, "I plead guilty!" The judge in the case allowed the original not-guilty plea to stand.HEY WAIT A MINUTE — THIS AINT THE GAP!A robbery suspect in Suffield, Connecticut made a wrong turn while fleeing police and ended up in the lobby of a high-security prison. The suspect was being pursued by police who had spotted his car as matching the description of one used in a robbery a short time earlier. During the chase, the man pulled into the parking lot of Macdougal Correctional Institution, leaped from his car… and ran into the front lobby. "I believe he thought it was a mall," said one of the arresting officers. "But Ive never seen too many malls with a razor wire across the top."AND FINALLY…Two thieves caused several thousand dollars damage to a funeral home in Arab, Alabama recently while trying to steal gas from a flower van parked outside the building. The pair had used a knife to cut a hole in the vans fuel tank and were draining the gas into a container. The plan fell apart when one of the thieves lit a cigarette lighter so they could see how much gas they had gotten.

Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, dont do that.

Está el papá empujando al pequeño en su bicicleta, cuando de pronto lo suelta y ¡suelo! Con toda paciencia, lo levanta y lo vuelve a empujar, pero otra vez ¡suelo!.

Finalmente, tras un último intento, el padre desesperado exclama, ¡ay Dios mío, este chamaco, aparte de inválido ¡pendejo!

Estaba una pareja caminando por el centro de la ciudad cuando de repente el esposo ve al ginecólogo de su esposa.

El ginecólogo saluda nada más al esposo, así que éste confundido le dice:

Oiga, ¿qué no se acuerda de mi esposa? Esta es mi esposa.

Y el ginecólogo le responde:

Ah disculpe, lo que pasa es que yo no me fijo en las caras de mis pacientes…

Va un soldado y le dice al general:

¡General, general! Que vienen los indios.

Y el general va y dice:

Soldado, averigüe si son amigos o enemigos.

El soldado se va y vuelve con una flecha en el culo:

Soldado ¿qué ha averiguado? ¿Son amigos o enemigos?

Son amigos.

Y el general mira la flecha y le pregunta:

¿Cómo? ¿Que son amigos?

Sí, mi general.

¿Cómo lo sabe?

Porque iban juntos.

Dont be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.