What goes clip clop, clip clop, bang?

– An Amish drive-by shooting.

Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these…

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, Pick Me!! Pick Me!!

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to Mission Impossible.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, NO, NO! Its those voices again!

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?

Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.

Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in housewares.

Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.

Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if youre a man)

Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, I need tampons!

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?

The pirate replies We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.

Wow! said the seaman. What about your hook?

Well…, replied the pirate, We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.

Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eye patch?

A seagull dropping fell into my eye., replied the pirate.

You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? the sailor asked increduously.

Well…, said the pirate, ..it was also my first day with the hook.

A man should live if only to satisfy his curiosity.

A fool is his own informer.

Better a steady dime than a rare dollar.

A heavy purse makes a light heart.

A dead man is mourned seven days, a fool his life time.

Your health comes first – you can always hang yourself later.

One good deed has many claimants.

Tell an ass by his long ears, a fool by his long tongue.

At the dawn of time, Adam is in the garden of Eden with all theanimals. It is an absolute paradise, with the beauty of nature allaround, but Adam still feels theres something amiss, so he says to God Hey God! Theres something not quite right here still. I feel I need a companion, someone who will love me, care about me, always be there, always understand.

Thats quite a tough request, says God, and its going to cost you.

How much?, says Adam.

Itll cost you an arm and a leg, says God.

Thats a bit steep – I dont think I can afford that, says Adam. What can I get for a rib?

A fellow bought a newCorvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down,the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and bluelight behind him. "There aint no waythey can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. Theneedle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "Whatthe hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him,took his license without a word and examined it and the car. Ive had a tough shift andthis is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me anexcuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ranoff with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give herback!" "Off you go,"said the officer.

My spouse died of laughter after reading the mail. This is what
I pulled out of her dead grasp:

Dear Friend:

Youre not surprised when he calls. Even if you
forgot his number, you know hes remembered yours.

Youve got the right look. The right length. The
right vee. The right tee.

The spice. The scent. The savvy. The shape.

The point. The polish. The object. The art.

The legs. Eyes. Hips. Lips. The haute clothes.
Heiress hair. The look of luxe everywhere.

Not to mention (though he doesnt know it) the lacy
bra. The racy teddy. The high-impact smolder. The
high-impact flair.

Its all part of who you are.

You get promoted sooner. You look ten pounds thinner.
You have luscious lashes. Thinner thighs. Fuller hair.

You know the right de-stressers. Energizers.
Sleekers. Slimmers.

And you know what to read.

Mademoiselle.

You might be a redneck if…
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends:
buddies for life, eternal bachelors..until the programmer announces he is
getting married. Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three
compadres find out the name and location of the hotel where the programmer will
be honeymooning, and bribe the desk clerk to let them in to rig a few
welcome surprises.

A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies
in a bar for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.
Pointing to the plumber, he comments Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldnt
turn off was a neat trick. And to the electrician: And a flickering
table lamp with no off switch was cute, too. Then, shaking a fist at the
dentist But, you! YOU! Novacaine in the Vaseline was one cheap shot!

Steven Swinkels, Manager, UTS CASE Development, Amdahl Corporation