Dos amigos granjeros se encuentran
Hola, ¿cómo te ha ido?
Pues un poco mal: acabo de comprar un toro porque ya tenÃa muchas vacas; pero este toro no resultó muy bueno, es impotente.
No te preocupes, yo tenÃa un toro igual y fui con un buen veterinario y le recetó unas pastillas pequeñitas, buenÃsimas; desde la primera le cayeron muy bien.
¡Qué bueno! ¿Y cómo se llaman?
¿Cómo se llaman… cómo se llaman…? La verdad es que no recuerdo pero son como saladitas…
YO mamma is so fat…she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!
Dear Professor:______________________________Date:________
My grade in _______________ should be raised from __________ to ______ because:
There must be a mistake somewhere.
I was not well at the time of the examination.
My mind always goes blank during an examination.
This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.
Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.
The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.
Signed___________________
When in doubt, use brute force.
You actually like doing laundry at home.
Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
Youd rather clean than study.
Oh man how did it get so late! comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
Moms meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
Half the time you dont wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.
You know the pizza boy by name.
You go to sleep when its light and get up when its dark.
You live for getting mail.
Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
Prank phone calls become funny again.
You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.
Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, Lord, I have a problem.
And the Lord said, Whats the matter, Eve?
I know that You created me and this beautiful garden … but Im lonely … and Im sick of eating apples.
Well, in that case, replied the Almight, Ill create a man for you.
Whats a man?
Well, hes a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But hes big and fast and muscular. Hell be really good at fighting, kicking a ball and hunting animals.
Sounds great! replied Eve.
Theres one condition, added the Lord. Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.
TEACHER: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?
JACK: 7 years old
TEACHER: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?
JACK: 9 years old
TEACHER: Thats impossible!
JACK: No its not. Im 8 today.
TEACHER: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.
MIKE: Here it is !
TEACHER: Good. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Mike !!!
TEACHER: Didnt you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes sir.
TEACHER: And didnt I promise to punish you when you misbehave?
STUDENT: Yes sir. But since I didnt keep my promise, you dont need to keep yours.
COOL STUDENT: Teacher would you punish me for something I didnt do?
TEACHER: No.
COOL STUDENT: Good cos I didnt do my homework.
TEACHER: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we dont 10 years ago.
ALFRED: Me !!!
TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No. Im Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.
STUDENT: You cant fool me teacher ! Snakes dont have feet !!!
HYGIENE TEACHER: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?
WILLY: Dont bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word I
ELLEN: I is….
TEACHER: No Ellen always use I am.
ELLEN: Oh, alright. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Montreal Gazettes Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.
—————————————————————–
1. (On going to war over religion:) Youre basically killing each other to see whos got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion… what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, well never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; theres more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said, Let there be Satan, so people dont blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people dont blame everything on
Satan.
6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? Hold my purse.
7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, youre got millions of pals out there. Type in, Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire and the computer will say, Specify type of goat.
8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
9. I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
10. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
11. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or youre anxious to meet people who do.
12. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasnt enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
13. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
14. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
15. (On American broadcasters decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasnt contrast enough. Thats funny, because Americans dont usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
16. My sister married a German. He complained he couldnt get a good bagel back home. I said: Well, whose fault is that?
17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hells got pickle questions?
18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that cant wait until morning?
19. Id like to help the homeless, but theyre never home.
20. My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what shes reading.
21. Whats with squeegee kids? I mean, they dont really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
22. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job – no matter how bad it is.
23. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
24. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
25. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
26. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman Ive dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
27. Montreals not a city. Its Disney World for alcoholics.
28. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: Thyroid problem?
29. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
30. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, youre in.
31. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
32. The key to a good relationship is they key. Give me back the key.
33. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America – Nebraska.
34. Things youll never hear a woman say: My, what an attractive scrotum!
35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) Its never positive sexual side-effects. Its never gigantism, is it?
36. Whats with the warning May contain some nudity? Well, I have to know for sure.
37. And then theres the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? No, its four days old and stinks to high heaven.
38. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
39. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
40. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, youre a Mexican. In Florida, youre a Cuban. In New York, youre a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out Im an Eskimo.
41. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
42. I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, Im more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
43. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
44. Im the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario – after Shania Twain. Thats like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
45. I discovered I scream the same way whether Im about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: Dont drink too much, dont eat too fast, and… Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends? So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.
48. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
49. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
50. Does Tampax really need its own Web site? My cramps are killing me. Id better head over to the maxi-pad chat room.
SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!!
51. Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men dont dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Violet!
Violet who?
Violet the cat out of the bag!
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.