Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.
Pete says to the salesman, We really like it but I dont think we can afford it.
The salesman says, You just make a small down payment … then you dont make another payment for six months.
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, Who told you about us?
If you see a message on the boards with a subject line of BADTIMES, delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.
This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer (20 range at 72 Fahrenheit). It will recalibrate your refrigerators coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mothers number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when theres company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940s hits and static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be afraid. Be very afraid!
One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels down at the altar and begins to pray to God, stating that he owes many people money and asks to win the lottery. After he is done praying, he gets up and walks out.The next Sunday he goes to the same church and pleads with God through his prayers to let him win the lottery so that he can pay these people back.The next Sunday comes around and Shane enters the church very upset and close to tears, he kneels at the alter and asks why God is doing this to him and says that he has asked to win the lottery for three weeks now and nothing. Suddenly there came a loud bang of thunder and God spoke, "Shane, meet me halfway: Buy a damn ticket!"
A robber broke in on a young woman and her elderly mother.
Im going to tie you up while I fill my bag with swag, he said, and then before I leave Im going to have my way with both of you.
Oh, please, sir, cried the young woman, take anything you want, and do what you will with me, but PLEASE spare my dear old mother.
Now, dear, said the mother, dont try to teach the man his trade.
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten apples. The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or youll be eaten. The first apple went in…. but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?
The second one replied, I know, but I couldnt help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!!!
Found on Falling Dreams blog
You might be a redneck if you go fishing and then to McDonalds on your honeymoon.
Yo mamas like…
– Yo mamas like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.
– Yo mamas like a bowling ball. Shes picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.
– Yo mamas like a rifle…four cocks and shes loaded.
– Yo mamas like a bubble gum machine…five cents a blow.
– Yo mamas like Chinese food…sweet, sour, and cheap.
– Yo mamas like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
– Yo mamas like Burger King… Your way, right away.
– Yo mamas like a squirrel, shes always got some nuts in her mouth.
– Yo mamas like 7-Eleven… open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.
– Yo mamas like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.
– Yo mamas like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.
– Yo mamas like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.
– Yo mamas like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.
– Yo mamas like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.
– Yo mamas like a microwave, one button and shes hot.
– Yo mamas like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.
– Yo mamas like a mail box, open day and night.
– Yo mamas like a bag of potato chips, Free-To-Lay.
– Yo mamas like a turtle, once shes on her back shes fucked.
– Yo mamas like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.
– Yo mamas like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.
– Yo mamas like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
– Yo mamas like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.
– Yo mamas like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.
– Yo mamas like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.
– Yo mamas like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.
– Yo mamas like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
– Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.
– Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.
– Yo mamas like Pizza Hut, if she isnt there in 30 minutes… its free.
– Yo mamas like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.
– Yo mamas like a carpenters dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
– Yo mamas like a gas station… you gotta pay before you pump.
– Yo mamas like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
– Yo mamas like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
– Yo mamas like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.
– Yo mamas like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.
– Yo mamas like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.
– Yo mamas like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
– Yo mamas like a race car driver… she burns a lot of rubbers.
– Yo mamas like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.
– Yo mamas like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.
– Yo mamas like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
– Yo mamas like a Toyota, OOooh what a feeling!
– Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… a real good suck.
– Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.
– Yo mamas like an ice cream cone… everyone gets a lick.
– Yo mamas like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.
– Yo mamas like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
– Yo mamas like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
– Yo mamas like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.
– Yo mamas like Dennys… open 24 hours.
– Yo mamas like McDonalds… Billions and Billions served.
– Yo mamas like McDonalds… What you want is what you get.
– Yo mamas like mustard, she spreads easy.
– Yo mamas like the Pillsbury dough boy… everybody pokes her.
– Yo mamas like lettuce, $1 a head.
– Yo mamas like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.
Your momma is so fat… the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!
– Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said Sorry…No proffessionals allowed!!!
-Yo mommas so fat, when the lord said – Let There Be Light, he had to ask her to move over!
-Yo mamas teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!
-Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said,yes please!
-Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!
-Yo mommas so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!
-Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!
-Yo mommas so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!
Whats the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up.
After extensive tests the doctor tells him Im afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.
Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies
Thats terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I cant afford to pay your bill.
Ok says the doctor, Ill give you a year to live.