Old and New Jokes

Two flies were flying around a pile of poo and the first fly started sniffing around and said, "Ew, who farted?"

Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

What do you call an unemployed jester? … Nobodys fool.

Half of being smart is knowing what youre dumb at.

Why politicians dont enjoy the game of golf — Because for them, its too much like their work — you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Feminists lament: I think, therefore I am single.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: Push … Push …Push!

Sign in a podiatrists window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: Reserved for plant manager.

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.

Sign in a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn

to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

Never face facts; if you do, youll never get up in the morning.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? … Make me one with everything.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? … WET

rocks.

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as weve already gone.

Personals Ad: Financially Unstable Man – I owe everyone money. If youre not one of my creditor, Id like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99.

Personals Ad: Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with

real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67.

Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): Socks can eat anyplace they want.

Sign in a restaurant window: T-bone: 99 Cents. (Then, in fine print underneath: With meat: $14.95).

A hardware store has a sign that reads: Todays special. (Then, below it,in pencil): Sos tomorrow.

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Chinese proverb: If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum.

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he cant find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Windows – What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

Un ladrón entró a una casa a hacer de las suyas, con su linterna en la mano. Cuando estaba escudriñando por la cocina y el comedor en busca de la platería, escuchó una extraña voz que le decía:

Jesús te está mirando.

El ladrón se sobresaltó, apagó la linterna e inmediatamente se puso a averiguar de dónde provenía esa voz.

Jesús te está mirando, volvió a escuchar.

Encendió nuevamente su linterna y vio a un loro encerrado en una jaula que le repitió:

Jesús te está mirando.

El tipo se río y le respondió:

¿Y tú quién eres?

Soy Moisés, contestó el loro.

Ja, ja, ja, ja ¿Y quién fue el imbécil que te puso Moisés?

El mismo imbécil que le puso Jesús al doberman que está detrás de ti… ¡Idiota!

Doctor, fíjese que no puedo controlar el hacerme pipí en la cama. ya que todas las noches sueño con un duende que viene a mi cama y me pregunta ¿ya hiciste pipí? y yo le respondo ¡no! y me dice, pues ¡HAZ¡

Y el Doctor le dice:

En la noche que sueñe con el duende y le pregunte que si ya hizo pipí le dice que sí.

A otro día el doctor le dice:

¿Cómo le fue con el duende?

Y contesta:

Muy mal, por que cuando el duende vino a mis sueños y me preguntó ¿ya hiciste pipí? le dije ¡sí! y me preguntó ¿y popo? y le dije ¡No!, entonces me dijo Pues ¡HAZ!

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me.



His friend says Dont worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.



So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.



Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.



You reek of alcohol and youve thrown up all over yourself, my God youre disgusting etc.



Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, Wait. Its not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. Hed obviously had one too many, or else he just couldnt hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.



She looks in his breast pocket and says, But this is forty dollars.



Ah, yes. says the man. He shit in my trousers too.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.



What would you like to do next? he asked.

I wanna be weighed, she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.



One-twelve, said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.



Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.



I wanna be weighed, she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.



The girls mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, Whats wrong, dear, didnt you have a nice time tonight?



Wousy, said the girl.

Sign in school: In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.

Sign on an asphalt truck: Let us fill your crack!

Office sign: Ace exterminating – we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.

Sign at a muffler shop: No muff too tough for us!

Sign on a government issue car: Fulton county disaster coordinator.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.