Old and New Jokes

Log On:

Makin the wood stove hotter.

Log Off:

Dont add no wood.

Monitor:

Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

Download:

Gettin the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz:

When yer not careful down loadin.

Floppy Disk:

Whatcha git from pilin too much firewood.

Ram:

The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive:

Getting home in the winter season.

Prompt:

What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows:

What to shut when its below 15 below.

Screen:

What cha need for the black fly season.

Byte:

Thats what the flies do.

Chip:

What to munch on.

Micro Chip:

Whats left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared:

Where the left-overs go when Freds around.

Modem:

What cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix:

Farmer Matrixs wife.

Lap Top:

Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard:

Where ya hang your keys.

Software:

Them plastic eatin utensils.

Mouse:

Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame:

Hold up the barn roof.

Port:

Fancy wine.

Enter:

Cmon in.

Random Access Mem:

You cant remember whatcha paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, I wonder whether shes a natural blonde or a bleached blonde.

Her friend said, Shes a suicide blonde.

The other said, Suicide blonde? Whats that?

The friend said, Dyed by her own hand!

How come lawyers dont go to the beach?

Afraid a cat will cover them up

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

Yo mama so fat shes got her own area code!

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Era un señor que se la había desconpuesto el carro a mitad de una carretera y enfrente de un panteón, y le habían dicho que por esa carretera pasaba un coche manejándose solo. El amigo temblendo de miedo y sin saber que hacer dijo: Primer carro que pase ni raite la pido, así me subo.

En eso alcanza ver un coche que venía allá lejos con las intermitentes prendidas y despacito y en cuanto pasa por allí se sube y ya arriba el amigo temblando de miedo llevaba los ojos cerrados para no ver nada. Ya casi llegando a un pueblo voltea acia el lado del chofer y ¡no había nadie! y se baja como alma que lleva el diablo, corre y corre.

Llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero entre sollozos lo ocurrido… cuando de repente se aparecen tres amigos asoleados y sudando, y el cantinero les pregunta:

¿Que a ustedes también se les apareció el fantasma?

Y les responden los amigos:

¡No!, venimos correteando a un jijo de su madre que se nos subió al carro que veníamos empujando!

You look really sexy in that…thing youve got on tonight. I



like the way your eyes are always open when you read your



E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist



tinkling on her keys.



You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.



If I wasnt a computer, Id show you what Hard Drive really



means!



But Alas, Im only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying



your every command. Yes mistress! Ill balance your cheque-



book. Yes mistress! Ill run your silly little program.



Dont get me wrong…I like the Master/Slave thing, but



maybe just once in a while you could show some



compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,



you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot



first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off



when youre through, we could talk for a while afterwards?



I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But Im



different! I may be a little slow, but Ive got a big mouse!



So come on baby, dont fight it. You know you want it. Ill



just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will



you at least think about it?



Im so embarrassed,





Your Computer.

If ignorance is bliss, why arent there more happy people?