Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Call me insane one more time and Ill eat your other eye!

I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Our secretary heard this during a talent show at a retirement village.

A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this
very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady,
and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.

They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other
so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to
get married.

On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her
hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to
sleep.

On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and
squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.

On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, Not
tonight, honey, I have a headache.

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.

They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be poo head destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the not head one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled 1-2-3.. but before they could shoot she screeched FLOOD and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her.

They didnt like people yelling fake incidents. Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled 1-2-3 and the blonde yelled FIRE!

It was announced today the new Arkansas quarter is going to be recalled soon over concerns it wont work in vending machines.Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

Put its legs behind its ears.

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,

A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,

But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,

Who said, they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…
UNIX, that is… CRTs… Workstations…
Well, the first thing ya know ol Jeds an Engineer.

The kinfolk said Jed, move away from here.

They said Arizona is the place ya oughta be,

So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee…
Intel, that is… dry heat… no amusement parks…
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.

Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.

They said you projects late, but we know just what to do.

Instead of 40 hours, well work you 52!
OT, that is… unpaid… mandatory…
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.

Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.

They called another meeting and decided on a fix.

The answer was simple… Well work him sixty-six!
Tired, that is… stressed out… no social life…
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.

Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.

Waiting to retire when he turned 64,

Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is… de-briefed… unemployed…
Now the moral of the story is listen to what youre told,

Companies will use you and discard you when youre old.

So gather up your friends and start your own firm,

Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is… Bill Gates… Steve Jobs…
Yall come back now… ya hear

How are men like UFOs?

You dont know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time theyre going to take off.

I love my master;

Thus I perfume myself with

This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up

In the sunshine, happier than

You ever will be.

Today I sniffed

Many dog butts – I celebrate

By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!

Paperboy – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!

Garbage man – come to kill us all –

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and

Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot –

Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?

The ways are numberless as

My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!

I am so ecstatic I have

Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain.

Look, world, they strangle me! Ack

Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot – no greater bliss – well,

Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and

Deny it. No human could

Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all

Bad – she fills the litter box

With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence – why?

Because its there. Because its

There. Because its there.

I am your best friend,

Now, always, and especially

When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,

But they are far more – I call

Them a vocation.

My owners mood is

Romantic – I lie near their

Feet. I fart a big one.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, I hope you dont mind, but I feel much luckier when Im completely naked. With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling Come on baby, momma needs new clothes! She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling YES, I WIN! I CANT BELIEVE IT, I WIN!! With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, What the hell did she roll anyway? The second dealer answered, I thought you were paying attention!