Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
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May
16
May
Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.
16
May
…Took two Alka-Seltzer. Thought I was gonna die.
16
May
Chocolate: the other major food group.
16
May
What did the blondes long sexy left leg say to her long sexy right leg?
Nothing, because they have never met.
16
May
Two morons, Tom and Jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two
fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the morons asked where the guys
got the fish, and the fishermen told the morons that they go down to the
bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was caught.
The morons figured that they could to that.
After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything, and
the reply was no. About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and
again the reply was no. Finally, Tom yelled Pull me up!! Pull me up!!
Jack exclaimed Ya got one? Tom said, No! a train is coming!!
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May
15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11> Cant enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, Look Ma! Its Elvis!
10> After 45 years of Communist rule, its impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9> After 100 years of trying, still cant score with Elvira.
8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6> No warm blood for miles around DC.
5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
hardbodies.
2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires…
1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
16
May
Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was giving birth to their first baby. As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head around the door.
Its a boy, Mr. Brown, she said, But we think youd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!
Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins.
But, the nurse went on, Were sure theres another on the way. Ring back again in a little while.
At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough. He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a third baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent.
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was still going strong, The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck.
16
May
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com
16
May
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
Im free, Im free! he shouted.
So what, said a little girl. Im four.