Old and New Jokes

Q: Why doesnt Bill like old houses?
A: Hes afraid of the draft.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later theyre in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.

Her husband starts to cry.

She says, Whats the matter?

He says, Thirty years ago I couldnt wait to eat it. Now it looks like it cant wait to eat me.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.



She quickly turned and asked, Whats so funny Bobby?

Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

Get out of my classroom, she yells, I dont want to see you for three days!



The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.

Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, Whats so funny Billy?



Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.

Again she yells, Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him – I dont want to see you for three weeks!



Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.



And where do you think you are going? she asks.



Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, Oh, its Sunday night and my car broke down! I dont know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

Well, drawls the farmer, you can stay here, but I dont want you messin with my sons Jed and Luke.



She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.



Okay, she says.



After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?



They say, Huh?



She says, The only thing is, I dont want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers. She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.





Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.



Jed says, Luke?



Luke says, Yeah, Jed?



Jed says, You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?



Yeah, says Luke, I remember.



Well, do you care if she gets pregnant? asks Jed.



Nope, says Luke, I reckon not.



Me, neither, says Jed, Lets take these things off.

One day a blonde was walking through a park when she saw a coke machine she decided to buy some coke when it came out she started looking around it then a brunette came walking by and asked the blonde why she turning the bottle and she said Im looking for the ingredients.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Dont flush, dont flush!

A: One.

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. I think this one will really move, said the broker. Its only $1 a share.

Buy me 1,000 shares, said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, Get me 10,000 more shares.

Great! said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, Sell all my shares!

The broker asked, To who? You were the only one buying that stock.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. Ive had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys. Soon, another man enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months. This time the priest asks, Who is this Fannie Green? A new woman in the neighbourhood, the sinner replies. Very well, says the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys. The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?! The altar boy replies, No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes.

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Childs stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Childs death ruins couples holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation