Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the definition of an Impotent Loser?

A: A guy who cant even get his hopes up.

Avoid models that stall during use.



Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.



Avoid completely blocking the air intake.



Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.



Keep locked in the garage when not in use.



Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.



Check for pulling attachments.



Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.



If necessary, fit an alarm.



See if the coil needs replacing.



Take it for a good thrash around



Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?



Watch out for nasty emissions.



Keep all leather accessories in order.



If necessary, fit a silencer.



Or use the choke and throttle properly.



For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.



Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.



Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.



NEVER let your friends have a go.



Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.



Avoid taking it to the pub if youre drinking.



Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.



It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.



With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into its reverse position whilst in motion.



It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.



German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.



Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.



American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.



Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.



Swedish models are usually very versatile.



Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.



French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.



Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room space than needed.



Stay well clear of people carriers.



Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they dont take kindly to stopping stop.



Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.



The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.



It is unwise to take your fathers/big brothers/mates out without permission.



Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.



It is NEVER advisable to own a wide load model.



Replace every year with a newer model.

Guys wife comes home from her physical checkup at the M.D.s, and her hubby says, Well, how did it go? She tells him, The doctor says Im in perfect shape! Husband says, Oh, yeah? How about that big fat ass? She says, Oh, we didnt talk about you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rita!
Rita who?
Rita novel!

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three reports out of it, each of which will count as 10% of your final grade.

yo mama so dumb she sold her house for rent money

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?

Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?

The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Dont tell people everything you know.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got $25 between us.

The boss screamed: I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!