Old and New Jokes

It seems that a man was brought to criminal cort for the murder of his
wife.

Judge: Sir, you have been brought before me and stand accussed of killing
your wife. What do you have to say in your defense?

Man: Well your Honor, I came home early and found my wife in bed with my
best friend and I shot her. Thats all I have to say.

Judge: I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your
best friend, would you please tell me what happened with him.

Man: Well your Honor, I pointed my finger at him and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies wont talk to her!

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that shed like a medium

pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces shed like to have it cut into:

six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I dont think I

could ever eat twelve.

Estaban dos compadres platicando, y le dice uno al otro:

Compadre, creo que mi vieja me está engañando con un cartero.

¿Por qué compadre?

Porque el otro día encontré unas cartas debajo de la cama.

Eso no es nada, yo creo que mi mujer me engaña con un caballo.

¿Y eso por qué?

Porque el otro día encontré un jinete debajo de la cama.

Twas the night before Chirstmas

And all through the house

Everybody felt crappy

Even the mouse,

Mom at the whorehouse

And dad smoking grass

Id just settled down

For a nice piece of Ass,

When out on the lawn

I heard such a clatter

I sprung from my piece

To see what was the matter,

Then out on the lawn

I saw a big d***

I knew in a moment

It must be Saint Nick,

He came down the chimney

Like a bat out of hell

I knew in a moment

The sucker had fell,

He filled all our stockings

With pretzels and beer

And a big rubber d***

For my brother the queer,

He rose up the chimney

With a thunderous fart

The son of B****

Blew the chimney apart,

He swore and he cursed

As he road out of sight

Piss on you all

And have a Hell of a Night!

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, Mama, Ive won the elections, youve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.


I dont know, what would I wear?


Dont worry, Ill send you a dressmaker


But I only eat kosher food


Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food


But how will I get there?


Ill send a limo, just come mama


Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.


The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brothers a doctor!

George Bush Virus – Doesnt do anything, but you cant get rid of it until November
Ted Kennedy Virus – Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened
Warren Commission Virus – Wont allow you to open your files for 75 years
Jerry Brown Virus – Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number
David Duke Virus – Makes your screen go completely white
Congress Virus – Overdraws your disk space
Paul Tsongas Virus – Pops up on Dec. 25 and says Im Not Santa Claus
Pat Buchanan Virus – Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen
Dan Quayle Virus – Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10am to 4pm 6 days a week
Bill Clinton Virus – This virus mutates from region to region. Were not exactly sure what it does.
Richard Nixon Virus – aka the Tricky Dick Virus you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
H. Ross Perot Virus – same as the Jerry Brown virus, only nicer fonts are used, and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its development.

After you barf, you feel better
You can barf whenever you want
When you barf, you dont have to wait in line
Barf is always warm
You dont have to sneak barf out of the cafeteria
When youre barfing, a bent spoon is an advantage
You can lose weight barfing
You dont have to pay to barf
Barf is SUPPOSED to look like that
When you barf, you don[t have to come back for seconds
You dont have to barf everyday
Barfing can never cause you to eat school food afterward
You can barf without a photo ID
Barf is organic and biodegradable
They dont ration barf.
After you barf, at least you know what youve eaten
Plastic barf is funny; plastic school food is redundant
You dont have to barf the same thing five days in a row
A dog will eat barf
After you barf, at least there is some taste in your mouth

…the bartender says wow, you must have had a rough day The guy looks at the bartender and says Yeah I just found out my older brother is gay So the guy leaves…the next day…the same guy walks back into the bar and orders the same thing. Again the bartender says wow must have another bad day The guy says Yeah, I just found out my younger brother is gay So the guy leaves…So next day..same thing…The guy walks in orders the same thing. The bartender looks at the guy and says Gosh man doesnt anybody in your family like women?!?!? The guy says Yeah, my wife.