Old and New Jokes

Three girs went to God just before they went down to earth and told him how they wanted to be when the came down. The First girl said, I want to be samrt. So God sent her down as a Red Head. The second girl said, I want to be smart and pretty so God sent her down as a burnett. The third girl said I want to be pretty and self absorbed. So he sent her down as a man.

VERBS:

to schmooze = befriend scum

to pitch = grovel shamelessly

to brainstorm = feign preparedness

to research = procrastinate indefinitely

to network = spread disinformation

to collaborate = argue incessantly

to freelance = collect unemployment

NOUNS:

agent = frustrated lawyer

lawyer = frustrated producer

producer = frustrated writer

writer = frustrated director

director = frustrated actor

actor = frustrated human

COMPOUND WORDS:

high-concept = low brow

production value = gore

entry-level = pays nothing

highly qualified = knows the producer

network approved = had made them money

FINANCIAL TERMS:

net = something that apparently doesnt exist

gross = Michael Eisners salary

back-end = you, if you think youll ever see it

residuals = braces for the kids

deferral = dont hold your breath

points = see net or back-end

COMMON PHRASES:

You can trust me = You must be new

It needs some polishing = Change everything

It shows promise = It stinks rotten

It needs some fine tuning = Change everything

Id like some input = I want total control

It needs some honing = Change everything

Call me back next week = Stay out of my life

It needs some tightening = Change everything

Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want

It needs some streamlining = Change everything

Youll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, who was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said Call 911! but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled Join the crew!

He knew it wasnt a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates (Its true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld Vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know).

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said Welcome to the world of AIDS.

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one, actually where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of Xs and Os in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people only will give you OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck FOR SEVEN YEARS!)

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

And its a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

One day a boy came home from school and his mother asked, What did you do today, son? The boy replied, I learned a lot in Sex Education class. The mother, thinking this to be a dirty joke, yelled at him and sent him to his room. Later that day, the daughter comes home and the mother says to her, Youll never guess what! Your brother told me he learned a lot in Sex Education class! I sent him to his room! Mom, the girl said, he really does go to a sex education class. He wasnt lying The mother, feeling very bady about the mixup, goes to the boys room to apologize. She opens the door to find him masturbating and she says, When you are done with your homework, come out here, we have to talk.

A rabbi and a priest had been lifelong childhood friends. The priest was always trying to covert the rabbi throughout their entire friendship. One day the Rabbi was across the street from the priest and they were meeting up at the cross walk. When the rabbi crossed the street a car came racing by and knocked the rabbi to the ground. As the rabbi got up the priest saw the rabbi cross himself. The priest came racing to his friends aid and stated I knew it! When the time came you would convert! The Rabbi had no idea what the priest was talking about. The priest said when you got up from the ground you crossed yourself. I knew when the time came and you were close to death you would see my way and convert. The rabbi proclaimed, I did not cross myself. I was checking I had everything important.


Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch!!!!!!!!

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.



9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.



8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.



7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps.



6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.



5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.



4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, Charity Case — Return To Sender.



3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.



2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.



1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

That was funny.

After seeing footage from the new movie The Lion King, I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. Id like to call it The Lion President.

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.