A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .
Some years ago when Bill Clinton was still President, he gave George W. Bush a tour of the White House. While there, George was amazed to find that Bill Clinton had his very own solid gold urinal! Maybe when Im President, I can have a gold urinal too, he thought to himself. He went back and told his wife Laura all about it. The next day, Laura Bush also visited the White House and had lunch with Hillary Clinton. During their talk, Laura mentioned the beautiful gold urinal her husband had seen in the Clintons bathroom… but Hillary said nothing. That night when she went to bed, she told Bill: I found out who peed in your saxophone.
Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.
An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was
talking about the healing powers of God.
To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you! the preacher exclaimed.
The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.
The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.
His wife looks over at him and says, Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quaterback is a refund.
Insensitive Term—Preferred Term: ETHNICITY
PC people do not recognize the term, race, as valid
Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered REAL Minorities since they tend to do well)
Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)
Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)
White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined
WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
GENDER-(PC people dont like the word sex as it has confusing connotations)
Â
Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian
Girl-Pre-Womyn
Housewife-Domestic Engineer
Fireman-Firefighter
Stewardess-Flight Attendant
Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator
Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person
Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber
Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
Mankind/Human-Earth Children
Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable
Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf-Visually Oriented
Poor-Economically Unprepared
Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner
Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher
Whaler-Blubber Lovers
Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced
Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged
Bald-Comb-Free
Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged
Convict-Socially Separated
Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers
Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist
Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer
Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged
Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction
Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) Moo-shwitz
Senile Bag oBones-Alzheimers Victim
Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty
Used Books-Recycled Books
Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang-Youth Group
Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged
Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House
Because they cant get in to Tuna-versity!
NAME: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the skill of the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect will make a wonderful pet.
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.
– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
There was this guy at the patent office counter and said, I want to patent this Peach.
The clerk asked,Whats so special about your peach?
The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!
Then the next guy walks up and said,I want to patent this cookie!
The clerk said,now what is so special about your cookie?
In return the guy said, It tastes like a womans snatch!
The clerk said I gotta try this so he took a bite. He then said, Oh man, this tastes like shit!
The man at the counter said, Turn it around!