Old and New Jokes

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

Want to go in the back seat? she asked.

Nope, he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

No, I dont, he said again, I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.

Una maestra cubana dice a los ninos que hagan una composición con un tema de la revolución y al terminar manda a Pepito a que lea la suya:

Yo tengo una gatica que ayer tuvo cinco gaticos y todos los gaticos son revolucionarios.

La maestra, al ver que Pepito sabía que hasta los gaticos deben ser revolucionarios, propone al director de la escuela que llame al inspector para que oiga la composicion. Pasados tres dias llega el inspector a la escuela y la maestra muy diligente pide a Oepito que lea su composición y pepito lee:

Yo tengo una gatica que hace cinco dias tuvo cinco gaticos y tres son revolucionarios.

Al oir esto, la maestra reacciona rápidamente y le dice:

Pepito, la primera vez que leíste tu composición dijiste que todos los gaticos eran revolucionarios ¿que pasó?

Bueno maestra, es que dos ya abrieron los ojos.

Estaba una niña lavando un gato y pasa una señora y le dice:

Pero niña, ¿qué haces lavando un gato?, ¿no sabes que así se puede morir?

Y la niña le contesta:

¡No se muere el gato, es muy fuerte!

Se va la señora, y en un ratillo pasa de nuevo por el lado de la niña y le pregunta:

¿Por qué lloras?

Porque se me ha muerto el gato.

Y le dice la señora:

¿No te dije que se podía morir?

Pero no ha sido al lavarlo, ha sido al exprimirlo.

Llega una señora con su hija a una farmacia. La mamá pedía algunas cosas mientras la niña curioseaba en el mostrador y le pregunta a su mamá:

Oye mamá ¿que es condón?

La mamá se asombra y le dice: Es algo para que no te embaraces.

Después de un rato la niña dice a su mamá:

Mira, mamá, ese paquete trae dos.

Cállate, ese es para los de prepa, uno el sábado y otro el domingo.

Mira mamá, ese trae tres.

Cállate, ese es para los de universidad, uno el viernes otro el sábado y otro el domingo.

Mira mamá, ese trae 12.

Ese es para tu papá, uno en enero, otro en febrero, otro en marzo…

Because Im a Guy…

…I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, Ill miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

…when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isnt running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Im looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.

…when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.

…I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like Cumin or Tofu. For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which feminine hygiene product is a euphemism.

…when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

…I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where were going?

…there is no need to ask me what Im thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so dont.

…I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mothers day is ok, I dont need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

…I am capable of announcing, one more beer and I really have to go, and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you Ill be home soon, and no, I dont understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Whats the connection?

…you dont have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if youre crying at the end of it, I didnt.

…I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

…I think what youre wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

…and this is, after all, the 90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. Ill do the rest.

The power mower was broken and wouldnt run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband
arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed her a
toothbrush. When you finish cutting the grass, he said, you might as well
sweep the sidewalks.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck, the fire fighter says with admiration.

Thanks mister,the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dogs collar and to the cats testicles.

Little partner, the fire fighter says, I dont want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster.

The little boy says, Youre probably right, mister, but then I wouldnt have a siren.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.

What on earth did you do that for? shouts Frank.

You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies, What…and we werent?

10. The monitor is up on blocks.9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is Huntin. 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.