Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you dont know where the light bulb is.

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you dont have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them…..

1. No, I dont care who you are. 2. No, I dont care who you know. 3. Yes… you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes… you CAN have my job. 5. No, I dont have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I cant give you a break. 9. No, I dont know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, Im sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we cant talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

The Ebonic Lords Prayer

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done
In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us
dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil
Cause you always be da Man

A San Francisco tourist is taking a stroll through Golden Gate Park when he’s attacked by three horny sailors.

They strip him, tie him over a tree branch so he can’t move and butt fuck him repeatedly, then leave him tied-up and helpless.

Hours later he spies a policeman through the trees and calls for help.

The cop strolls over.

Well Hello! What have we here? the cop asks.

The poor tourist quickly relates his ordeal with the sailors.

Really?, says the cop, “It’s not your day for uniforms . . . as the cop unzips his fly,. . . now is it sir?

Con motivo de las elecciones presidenciales en varios países de Latinoamérica, Naciones Unidas ha designado a un grupo de veedores, de distintas partes del mundo, para controlar que el acto se lleve a cabo con total transparencia.

A continuación la lista de los veedores:

Alemania: Herr Doktor Otto von Frauden.

Arabia Saudita: Elim Postor.

Brasil: T. del Falcao do Nascimento.

China: Chan Chu Yo.

Corea del Norte: Chin Guen Guen Son.

Corea del Sur: Kuan Do No.

Cuba: Silvio Panada.

España: Paco R. Ovando.

Francia: Pierre Delvotto.

Grecia: Hurto Sinescroupoulos y Akylos Transo.

Holanda: T. Van Aestaffar.

India: Gandhi Sima Farsa.

Israel: Abraham Urnas.

Italia: Massimo Atraco.

Japón: Tekito Tuboto.

Líbano: Mestafa Al-Votar.

Panamá: Many Puleo.

Portugal: Santiago de Trampinha.

República Checa: Ivana Jodernos.

Rumania: Robele Sinolopescu.

Rusia: Ivana Timar.

Uganda: Amin Mewele Alomimo.

Estados Unidos: Johnny Miro

Microsofts ad slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today?



Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:



1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.



2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!



3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.



4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.



5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.



6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.



7. Error #152 – Windows not found:

(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.



8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better



9. Ill never forget the first time I ran Windows, but Im trying.



10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.



11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.



12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!



13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.



14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.



15. How do you want to crash today?

* One Star Hangover



No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.



** Two Star Hangover No pain.



Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.



*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.



Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. Youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Vs and a litre of diet coke – yet you havent peed once!



**** Four Star Hangover Life sucks.



Your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High 76.



***** Five Star Hangover AKA Dantes 4th Circle of Hell.



You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubical Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners on your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Youd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog/cat has just died because you look so pathetic.



You should have called in sick because, lets face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -which is a mystery to you because you definitely dont remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. Its when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,an order of KFC, a ham and cheese toastie and a batch of rice krispie treats.

How careers end…

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

You always find something in the last place you look.