Old and New Jokes

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. ou are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person youre holding under the water. There now…..feeling better???

Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.

Whats the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?

Theyre always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?

They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?

One squeeze and theyre all over you.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but youre not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?

Because you dont have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this |

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Isaac!
Isaac who?
Isaac coming out?

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four–one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Real Mothers . . .



Real Mothers dont eat quiche; they dont have time to makeit.



Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.



Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.



Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesnt come out of shag carpets.



Real Mothers dont want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.



Real Mothers sometimes ask why me? and get their answer when a little voice says, because I love you best.



Real Mothers know that a childs growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

Why does Bill drink so much coffee?

So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs of his staff!

It was New Years Eve … by then, actually, it was very early on New Years morning. The drunk staggered out of the mens room and wobbled his way to the bar.

I, uh, lll…, Ill ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble. The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunks sharp looking suit. Buddy, it looks to me like youve had quite enough. Why dont you call it a night and go home.

The drunk protests… N-n-no! I ca-cant. My, my wife, you, you see… She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it… She, shes gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…

Tell you what, the bartender says. You got any 20 dollar bills on you?

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… Y-yeah, I got a few…. The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!

B-br-brilliant!, the drunk exclaims excitedly. Thish jush might w-work!

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. Look at you! Youre a disgrace! Look at what youve done to your new suit!

N-no hunnybunsh, the drunk stammers… Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened…

The wife looks in the drunks pocket and pulls out the money.

Wait a minute… the wife says, there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains… Wha-wha… Well thass because after he puked on me, he … he took a crap in my pants!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

Would you mind telling me, Doctor, she asked, how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

Thats easy, he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.

What sort of question would you ask Doctor?

Well, you might ask them…

Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –

You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I dont know much about history.

(DOH!)

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guys ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit.

The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patients ass.

After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, Wheres my cookie!? WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!