Old and New Jokes

The day everyone dreaded had finally come – Quasimodo had died and the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame was in a quandry. Who would ring the bells now that Quasimodo was gone?

A message was sent throughout the streets of Paris that a bellringer was needed as soon as possible. The Bishop decided that he would personally interview each candidate for the position.

On the first day of receiving prospective personnel, he went up to the church belfry and left word below that all applicants would have to demonstrate their ability with the bells. After watching several people go through the motions, he was about to call it a day when a lone armless man approached him and announced he wanted the job.

The Bishop was amazed. You have no arms!

It doesnt matter, said the man, observe!

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop could not believe his eyes and ears and just as he was about to tell this mystery figure that he had the job, an even more incredible thing happened.

Rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The Bishop raced down the stairs.

A crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn there initially only moments before by the beautiful music of the bells. As they made room to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, Bishop, who was this man?

I dont know his name, the Bishop sadly replied, but his face rings a bell.

22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.

A un negro lo invitan a una fiesta y el pobre no tenía ni para vestirse.

Decide ir a donde un amigo para que le preste algo de ropa… El amigo accede gustosamente y le dice que entre y saque lo que necesite. En eso ve unos zapatos de charol negros que brillaban como un espejo y le dice:

¡Oye, préstame éstos que están bárbaros!

Ni loco. ¡Me costaron más de 500 y si me los rompes te quiebro a patadas!

Tanto insiste el otro que el amigo accede.

El tipo va a la fiesta, se acerca a una chica y la saca a bailar. Después de un rato se sientan en la barra a conversar. En eso el hombre, allí sentado como estaba, se lustra disimuladamente el zapato con el pantalón y coloca el pie entre las piernas de la mujer, que tenia minifalda, para poder mirarla en el brillo del zapato y le dice:

¡Cómo me gustan las mujeres con ropa interior negra!

La chica huye despavorida a contarles a sus dos amigas.

¿Ven aquel tipo? ¡Te adivina el color de ropa interior que tienes!

¡Vamos a ver! le dice la otra y se acerca a conversar con el hombre.

El tipo repite la escena. Se lustra el zapato, lo coloca sigilosamente entre las piernas de la mujer, mira en el zapato brillante como un espejo y dice:

¡Cómo me gustan las mujeres con ropa interior blanca!

Corriendo la mujer va donde están las amigas y grita:

¡Es cierto, el atorrante aquel te adivina el color de la ropa interior!

La tercera amiga dice con aire sobrador:

A mi este no me viene a engañar. ¡Vamos a ver si adivina tanto!

Se va al baño, se quita la ropa interior y se acerca a hablar con el hombre.

Otra vez el tipo hace lo mismo, se lustra el zapato y cuando quiere mirar entre las piernas de la chica, se le baja la presión y se pone blanco.

Disimuladamente, para que la mujer no se de cuenta, se vuelve a lustrar el zapato y trata de mirar otra vez, pero le quedan los ojos como dos huevos duros.

Al intentar por tercera vez, el tipo no da más y le dice a la mujer, como suplicándole:

Oye negra, dime que estás en pelotas, porque si le digo a mi amigo que me hice un rayón así en el zapato, ¡ME MATA!

This guy goes to see his doctor. Doc, he says, Ive got a problem, every minute of every day Ive got that old song, Delilah, running through my head. I catch myself humming it and sometimes singing it in public places. My wife says I even sing it in my sleep, its driving her nuts. What is the matter with me?



The doctor replies, Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me.



Is it a rare disorder? the guy asks.



The doctor answers, Its not unusual..

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:

1 – What are you thinking?

2 – Do you love me?

3 – Do I look fat?

4 – Do you think she is prettier than me?

5 – What would you do if I died?



What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:



1 – What are you thinking? The proper answer to this question, of course is, Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you. Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:



a – Football

b – Baseball

c – How fat you are.

d – How much prettier she is than you.

e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.



According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. If I wanted you to know, Al said, Id be talking instead of thinking.



The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:



2 – Do you love me? The correct answer to this question is, Yes. For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, Yes, dear.



Wrong answers include:



a – I suppose so.

b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.

c – That depends on what you mean by love.

d – Does it matter?

e – Who, me?



3 – Do I look fat? The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, No, of course not and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:



a – I wouldnt call you fat, but I wouldnt call you thin either.

b – Compared to what?

c – A little extra weight looks good on you.

d – Ive seen fatter.

e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



4 – Do you think shes prettier than me? The she in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, No, you are much prettier. Wrong answers include:



a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

b – I dont know how one goes about rating such things.

c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.

d – Only in the sense that shes younger and thinner.

e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



5 – What would you do if I died? Correct answer: Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Dominos Pizza truck that came my way. This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:



Dear, said the wife. What would you do if I died?



Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband. Why do you ask such a question?



Would you remarry? persevered the wife.



No, of course not, dear said the husband.



Dont you like being married? said the wife.



Of course I do, dear he said.



Then why wouldnt you remarry?



Alright, said the husband, Id remarry.



You would? said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.



Yes said the husband.



Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause.



Well yes, I suppose I would. replied the husband.



I see, said the wife indignantly. And would you let her wear my old clothes?



I suppose, if she wanted to said the husband.



Really, said the wife icily. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?



Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.



Is that so? said the wife, leaping to her feet. And I suppose youd let her play with my golf clubs, too.



Of course not, dear, said the husband. Shes left-handed.

Q :What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

A : Their last big hit was The Wall

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

When you drive you put your life in your foots hands.