Old and New Jokes

yo mumma so fat, she got run ova by a parked car

OK, lets consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earths surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

FLORIDA: If you think we cant vote, wait till you see us drive.FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.FLORIDA: We count more than you do.FLORIDA: If you dont like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.FLORIDA: Weve been Gored by the bull of politics and were Bushed.FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, Re-vote.FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.FLORIDA: We dont just cheat in football.FLORIDA: Were number one! Wait! Recount!FLORIDA: So nice, we let you vote twice.FLORIDA: We put the duh in Florida.FLORIDA: This isnt good when Alabama counts faster than us!FLORIDA: Once is never enough!FLORIDA: We would do a recount but weve run out of fingers and toes!FLORIDA: Dont blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.FLORIDA: Dont blame me, my vote didnt count.FLORIDA: Were retired –no wait– were retarded!FLORIDA: Dont count on us!FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.



Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly…make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.



On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?



Youre going to die, she replied.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry.


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Ma. Guess which one Im going to marry.


She immediately replies, The red-head in the middle.


Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you know?


I dont like her.

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his legs.

That was the good news.

The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldnt move.

Oh, Lord, the preacher prayed, Im so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish … Please make a Christian out of that bear thats coming at me. Please, Lord!

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preachers feet.

Dear God the bear said, Bless this food I am about to receive …

None, the power should be back on any minute anyway

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two…but I dont know how theyd get in there!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Juan!
Juan who!
Juan of these days, pow, right in the kisser!

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.