Old and New Jokes

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event …

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Alis Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields – For Those Light Bachelor Days, and Robert Baretta Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation (MENstruation) as proof that only men could serve in the army (you have to give blood to take blood), occupy political office (can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?), be priests and ministers (how could a woman give her blood for our sins), or rabbis (without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean).

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month (you MUST give blood for the revolution), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag (Im a three-pad man) or answer praise from a buddy (Man, you are lookin good) by high-fiving and saying, Yeah, man, Im on the rag!

TV shows would treat the subject at length. (Happy Days: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still The Fonz, though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in Blood Brothers!)

Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at that time of the month.

Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself – though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets – and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that these people have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.

… via RIBTICKLERS

Descubre cuál es el tuyo:

Salario cebolla: lo agarras, lo ves y lloras.

Salario canalla: no te ayuda en nada; sólo te hace sufrir, pero no puedes vivir sin él.

Salario futbol: es una cajita de sorpresas.

Salario preservativo: hasta te quita las ganas.

Salario impotente: cuando más lo necesitas, te decepciona.

Salario dieta: con él comes cada día menos.

Salario ateo: prefieres no creer en esa paga.

Salario precoz: cuando entra, ya acabó.

Salario menstruación: viene una vez por mes y dura menos de una semana.

Salario humor negro: preferible reír para no llorar.

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: Your brain is smaller than any ε>0!

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying Disney World left. After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said Oh well! and started driving back home.

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, See, it says right here, The three wise men came from afar!

Mel. Barbie Girl

Hi user, wanna go for a try?

Sure win!

Boot up!

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Come on System, lets go crashing

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Im a prog, Im a code

on a supermachine

when I crash,

Boot me up, and go crazy

Im your pain,

boot me up, and start over again

Run a prog, see the fail

Just delete me

You can touch, i can hang,

like i say, just boot again

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Change my look, add some waves,

do whatever you please

I can act like a mac

I can beg for more space

Just log in,

Press the start

We can do it again

Hit some RAM

Swap the disk

Lets get fragments

You can touch, i can hang,

like i say, just boot again

You can touch, i can hang,

like i say, just boot again

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Im a Windows girl

In my Windows world

Life in coding

Its annoying

You can tune my files

Explore me everywhere

Imagination

Illegal operation

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)

Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)

Oh I feel theres so much lag!

Well user, were just gettin started

Oooh, I love to crash

I received this from a friend of mine…she being a little perturbed about men at the moment. Being a sensitive guy myself, I can laugh at the following. So, please note … I am a MAN, posting this. I found it quite funny.

And, incidentally, I stopped and asked for directions last night … wow … what a way to impress a girl!

Familiarize yourself with the layout of your house. If you dont know where the kitchen is stop and ask for directions.
While we are on the subject, when you are lost OUTSIDE the home, stop and ask for directions then, too.
Try not to confuse the woman of your life with your mother, your ex-girlfriend, or Charles Barkley.
Provide high level of services. This includes, but not limited to, dealing with all dead things from steak and garbage to vermin.
Living vermin are your department too.
Buy gifts that suggest that you have at least some rudimentary knowledge of the recipients identity.
If you value your life, never, ever make the following remark to a woman – not even your best friend: Im not in that much of a hurry. I guess Im lucky I dont have a biological clock to worry about.
Now that you have mastered the art of putting the toilet seat down, its time to start cleaning those little facial hairs out of the sink.
Get some friends. You need somebody to pour your troubles out to besides your wife or girlfriend. Conversations centered around ball sports dont count. And in case you were wondering a close friend is someone you talk to more than twice a year.
Learn how to tell time. Women dont enjoy hanging out on street corners.
Just so you know, its humanly possible to cuddle WITHOUT penetration.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.

Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

The young son of a financial advisor was asked by his kindergarten teacher if he knew the names of the seasons.

Sure! he earnestly replied. Busy and slack.