Old and New Jokes

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and Excuse me sir, arent you Moses?

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, Excuse me sir, arent you Moses? Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. Excuse me sir, arent you Moses? Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George Ws aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet. To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness.

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, So how high can you advance in your organization?

The Priest says If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.

Well, could you get any higher than that? asks the Rabbi.

I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop said the Priest a bit cautiously.

Is there any way that you might go higher than that?

If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal,
said the priest.

Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but…

So the Rabbi says And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?

What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!

The Rabbi leaned back and said One of our boys made it.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they
go flying by.

Youre so ugly you looked out the window and started World War III.

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.



She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish? He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.



She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, What is this wonderful girls name?



He answers, Monica Lewinsky.



There is a pause, then his mother asks, What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?

You feed the dog, and Ill feed the fish.

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.


He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, Perfect timing. Youre just like Dave.


The passenger said, Who?


The cabbie said, Dave Bronson. Now theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.


The rider said, Well, nobodys perfect.


The cabbie said, Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.


The rider said, No wonder you remember him.


The cabbie said, Well, no I never actually met Dave.


The rider asked, Then how do you know so much about him?


The cabbie exclaimed, I married his widow!

10. They cant garnish what you dont make.



9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert cartoons.



8. Chance to meet exotic male dancers in unemployment line (and do the Full Monte)



7. Sleep all night . . . Sleep all day!



6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!



5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote wont cry sexual harassment.



4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your Professional Attire.



3. Re-runs of Chips only shown during regular working hours.



2. It really pisses off the in-laws.



1. The only glass ceiling shell be complaining about is the mirror over your bed!

Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals?

Went home and got them bronzed.