A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down outside a bar on the street curb.
A police officer watched him closely. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the police and asked, Hey, Mr. Policeman, what causes arthritis?
The policeman responded, Its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.
Well, Ill be darn, the drunk said, returning to his paper.
The police officer, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man with his night stick and apologized.
Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?
I dont have it, Mr. Policeman. I was just reading here that the chief of police does.
10. Your Quarter Pounder has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, No shirt, no shoes, no reason you cant get a job here.
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking crack.
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendys founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure its okay..
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug shot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch your food.
1. Their slogan: Did somebody say E Coli?
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A slot machine.
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
We need a fourth for poker, said the friend.
Ill be right over, whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, Is it serious?
Oh yes, quite serious, said the doctor gravely. In fact, three doctors are there already!
You think Meals on Wheels is another name for roadkill.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
Youve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank – proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulbs best interests at heart.
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving – but at least the taxes are low and its not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both bloody wankers.
Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.