Old and New Jokes

A man whose business it is to see that others have a good time.

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs? A. Nothing – he cant come to you anyway

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef

Q. What do you call a group of cattle in a jacking off?
A. Beef Strohganoff

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellors office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. What seems to be the problem? Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!
The husband scratched his head and replied, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!

Un domingo en la Iglesia, hay una cola casi infinita de jovenes para confesarse.

Llega el primero y dice:

Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces.

Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza 10 padrenuestros y no lo vuelvas a hacer.

El siguiente:

Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces.

Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza 10 padrenuestros y no lo vuelvas a hacer.

Así el tercero, el cuarto y todos los siguientes, hasta que el cura se cansó. Entonces llamó al monaguillo y le dijo que le sustituyera en el confesionario.

Todos te diran que se masturbaron 3 veces. Los mandas a la esquina a que recen 10 padrenuestros y ya está., le dice el cura.

Llega el primero a confesarse y dice:

Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado DOS veces.

Bueno, vete a la esquina, mastúrbate otra vez y reza 10 padrenuestros.

Una viejita y un viejo se conocen en una fiesta que organizó el PAMI para la tercera edad. Luego de charlar un rato, deciden ir a un lugar más tranquilo. Estacionan el auto y hacen el amor. Finalizado el acto y mientras volvían el viejito pensó:

De haber sabido que era virgen hubiera ido a un lugar más cómodo.

La viejita por su lado pensaba:

De haber sabido que se le paraba, me sacaba las pantimedias.

Tres viejos están sentados en un banco tomando sol.

Si es que hay que ver lo que es la edad… tengo 70 años, y todos los días a las 7 en punto me despierto con unas ganas horribles de orinar, pero no hay forma, me paso el día entero intentando mear pero no puedo.

Eso no es nada. A mis 80 años, me despierto a las 8 y lo primero que hago es irme a cacar, pero nada, que no hay manera y así me paso el día entero, sin poder cacar.

Ah pero eso no es nada. Con mis 90 años, yo orino todos los días a las 7 y caco a las 8; luego, a las 9, me despierto.

Theorem: 1 = -1
Proof:
1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1

Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other.

1 = sqrt(1)
-1 = sqrt(1)
Therefore 1 = -1

As an alternative method for solving:

Theorem: 1 = -1
Proof:
x=1
x^2=x
x^2-1=x-1
(x+1)(x-1)=(x-1)
(x+1)=(x-1)/(x-1)
x+1=1
x=0
0=1
=> 0/0=1/1=1

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wifes tummy every
chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could
feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment,
when I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell
them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called
me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included
the experience in all of our letters to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I
would check it out during the next commercial break. I missed out because
her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night
football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to
sleep. I turned to her and said Cant you make your tummy stay still? Im
trying to sleep. When it became clear that the baby would be jumping
around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H
contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car
and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time
she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in
the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and
another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as
she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes
apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold
along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and
told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I
told her to drive herself because I didnt want her bleeding on the
carpet.

Pacifier Falls on Floor

First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen
and disinfects it by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it
cools down for ten minutes, she gives it back to the child.

Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in
hot water, blows on it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child

Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and
gives it back to the child.

Fourth Child: Dog picks it up and licks it off.
Mother gives it back to the child.

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a
mother or father.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months, remove 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it
for the last time.

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve
their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it — its the last time in your life that you will have
all of the answers.

To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you cant go back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm
goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower
beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this — all morning.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
qualified for a place on the play group committee.

Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And dont think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take
a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much
as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intent to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
DO NOT even contemplate having children.

Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot
Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You
are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, I love you,
you love me at work, you finally qualify as a parent.