A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy. The brunette replied, "I think Ill buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?" The blonde said, "I think Im gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."

You know youre gay when:

1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.

2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.

3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.

4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.

5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.

6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.

7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.

8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.

9. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.

10. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home and on your computer.

11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in mens locker room.

12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.

13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.

14. You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato. And if you dont, you know how to fake it.

15. You know how to get back at just about everyone.

16. Your pets always have great names.

17. Nobody expects you to change a tire.

18. Youre the only guy who gets to do the Cosmo quizzes.

19. You know how to get a waiters attention.

20. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

21. At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.

22. You are, hands down, your nephews and nieces favorite uncle.

23. You get to choose your family.

24. You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.

25. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.

26. You wouldnt be caught dead in Hooters.

27. You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.

28. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.

29. Youve always got an opinion, and dont mind sharing it.

30. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

31. You know how to air kiss.

32. You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having… and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where youve been for two weeks.

33. You know how to dress strategically.

34. You know when to move out and move on.

35. You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.

36. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.

37. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt necessarily an insult.

38. You wouldnt buy someone a mug for their birthday.

39. You know which wine to bring.

40. Sales clerks dont mess with you.

41. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

42. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.

43. Youve just about defeated the accent you were born with.

44. You know the way to a mans heart is not necessarily through his stomach.

45. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

46. You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity

47. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

48. You have the latest International Male catalog.

49. You wouldnt dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.

50. You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.

Patient: Doctor, youve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.

Doctor: Thats easy. Eat shit!

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said.
Ive been here before and gotten a drink, Ill go get us something to drink, said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, I thought I told your buddy we dont serve strings in here. So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The thrid string says Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, You a string? Frayed knot, he replies.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row !!

Blonde: Thats nothing; last night I had over hundred.

Brunette: My god ! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: (looking shocked) oh, you meant with one guy. . .

Every hormone hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a drivers license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: Whats for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Heres fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didnt overdo it today.
SAFEST: Ive always loved you in that robe.

Ya mommas so fat I have to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side

A drunk man walks into a bar and says, Im gonna take a dump on all of you except for…you! Why me? Because Im gonna wipe my ass with you!

Llegan unos niños a casa de Pepito y tocan la puerta. Abre la mamá y uno de los niños le dice:

Señora, ¿puede salir Pepito a jugar base-ball con nosotros?

La madre hace un gesto de dolor y les responde:

¡Pero ustedes saben que Pepito nació sin manos y sin pies!

Por eso señora… le dice el niño, ¡lo queremos para almohadilla de segunda base!

Una niña le hace la parada a un camión de transporte urbano y le pregunta al chofer:

¿Disculpe, va para el zoológico?

Así es.

¡Que se diviertan!