Old and New Jokes

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

Three
men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial
was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or
youll be eaten."
The first apple went in… but on the second one
he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought
to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and
was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The
first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost
got away with it?" The second one replied, "I
couldnt help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF!

One fine day, Nate the Snake was slithering through the forest when he came upon a level on a tree. The lever said IF YOU PULL THIS LEVER, THE WORLD WILL END. Now, Nate was a curious fellow, but was smart enough to know not to pull the lever. So, he decided to make it his duty to stand by the lever and warn the other animals that came by of the danger, since he knew most of them werent as smart.
The day wore on, and animal after animal came and went. Each one wanted to pull the lever, but Nate warned them of the danger.
Soon, the day drew to a close, and Nate began slithering toward his home, when an eighteen wheeler sped by, and upset an area of several large boulders that was very close to the tree.
One broke away, and began speeding toward the tree in such a way that it would hit the lever and end the world if it was not stopped. But no large animal was there to help, and Nate knew what he had to do.
Nate curled himself up into a tight little coil in the boulders path, bracing himself. The boulder struck him and killed him, but avoided the lever and the tree, and the world was saved.

This story just goes to show you – Better Nate than lever.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.

Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorines on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an A.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One–but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, theres a better one. At McDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink! The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, Yeah, thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, You think thats great? Where I come from, theres this place called Warshowskis. At Warshowskis, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

Wow! say the other two.

Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

No, replies the Polish guy, but it happened to my sister!

A guy goes for his annual check-up, and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.

Well, says the doc, Youre in pretty good health, however I do have some good news and bad news for you.

Give me the GOOD news first. requests the guy.

Youre penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical.

Thats GREAT! exclaims the guy, but whats the BAD news?

The doctor replies, Its malignant!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

Well, said the first one, I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.

I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.

Ive got you both beat, said the third.

I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.

Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.