Old and New Jokes

People were confused about which side to spit on.

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going, baa, baa! to each other and discussing life as usual, when suddenly they, hear a moo, moooooooooo!

They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.

Mooo, mooooooo, moo!

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks George, why are you mooing. Your a sheep. Sheep go baa!

His friend replies gladly, I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!

Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:

Everything Men Know About Women

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?

Sat on the Presidential Staff

One
afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We dont have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house
and Ill feed you" the lawyer said. But sir,
I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree." "Bring them along,"
the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man
he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once
underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. Youll really love my place –
the grass is almost a foot high!"

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is – being young and broke.

Q: Why is a double bass better than a violin?

A: The double bass burns longer.

Two whores were talking shop…

Why is it, asked Sharon, that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?

Well, Ill let you in on a little trick, said Tracy. What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him hes just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!

Ill give that a try, says Sharon.

She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.

Youve just broken my virginity! said Sharon.

Screw that, said the punter. My balls have just flown out of the window!

Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them
up end to end, theyd still point in the wrong direction?

– irving – (reid@sask.uucp or {alberta, ihnp4, utcsri}!sask!reid)