People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you dont get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now theres the new Toddler Miracle Diet.Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!DAY ONE:Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.DAY TWO:Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.Then bring inside and drop on rug.Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.DAY THREE:Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.FINAL DAY:Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dogs mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dogs a genius!"The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. Its the second time this week hes forgotten his key!"

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat. The lawyer said You are correct. How much was the meat? The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 for legal consultation.

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the

collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that

perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving

more.

And just how would I go about doing that? he asked.

It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that

the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone

voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a

slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the

collection plate.

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and

behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher

did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every

Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried

his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the

chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud

thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. Crap! exclaimed the

pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

En un elegante bar, un tipo se acerca a la mesa de una hermosa mujer que se encontraba sola.

Disculpe, podría invitarle una copa.

¡Está Ud. loco! ¿Qué me vio cara de prostituta?, grita la fémina.

El individuo, apenado, se regresa a su mesa seguido por la mirada de todos los clientes.

Después de un rato, la chica se acerca a la mesa del caballero:

Le ofrezco una disculpa. Soy psicóloga y estudio el comportamiento de la gente ante situaciones inesperadas.

¡Qué, cinco mil pesos por una noche!, exclama el hombre.

Cierto día cuando Pepito llegó a la escuela y vio muchos carteles pegados en la pared que decían:

En Pro de la educación, En Pro de la salud, En Pro de la nutrición. Entonces Pepito al desconocer el significado de la palabra Pro le pregunta a su maestra:

¿Maestra que quiere decir Pro?

A lo que la maestra le responde que significa a favor de cierta causa.

A la hora de salida Pepito muy apresurado sale de la clase. La maestra lo detiene y le dice:

Pepito ¿a donde vas?

¡Voy al registro civil!

¿Y eso para que?

Es que me quiero cambiar mi segundo nombre.

¿Y cual es tu segundo nombre?

¡Próculo!

Bill Gates recently got married. After the wedding, Bill and his new wife got back to their honeymoon suite and later, of course, they crashed into bed.



Apparently things didnt work out pretty well for Bill that night, and the next morning his new wife got up, pointed at the embarrassed Bill Gates and rather annoyed she said: Now I know why your company is called what its called!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.



Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.



A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.



The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.



Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?



I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.



A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?



What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?



Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, Whats that She says, Well, its a beaver, Johnny.



The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, Mom I know what that is. Its a beaver, but I think grandmas is dead because its tongue is hanging out.