Old and New Jokes

…and got surrounded on six sides by hexagon bandits.

En la tienda de mascotas, un tipo está mirando a los animales en venta. De pronto, un loro le llama mucho la atención, pero se asombra cuando ve el precio: 5 mil dólares. Intrigado se dirige al dueño:

¿Por qué este loro cuesta tan caro?

Ah, porque si usted le levanta la patita con el listón azul, el animal habla en francés; y si le levanta la patita con el listón rojo, entonces habla en inglés.

¿Y qué pasa si le levanto las dos patitas al mismo tiempo?, pregunta timorato el tipo.

¡Pues me caigo, idiota!, responde el loro.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespears famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.

Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest precedent. Lincolns mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was precedent, he wore only a tall silk hat. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the Ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Cu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assasinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booths career.



the First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

This is $200, she says.



I want one thats more sheer, says he.



This one is $350.



I want it even more sheer than that.



This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.



Ill take it!





The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me. His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference.





So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.





So, how do you like it? she asks. Her husband then complains, Darn, youd think for $500 theyd iron the dang thing!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gravy!
Gravy who!
Gravy Crockett!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, Im melting, Im melting!

Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?

A: A brain tumor.

You Might Be A College Student:

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isnt

If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

If you wake up 10 minutes before class

If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them

If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class

If your social life consists of a date with the library

If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

If you carry less than a dollar on your person

If you havent done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

If you celebrate when you find a quarter

If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

If you get more sleep in class than in your room

If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

If you can sleep through your roommates blaring stereo

If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

If you get more e-mail than mail……

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I cant go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly- but decides shes going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly – but decides she doesnt have time to fix it, so shes going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees clean and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees I am and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who cant even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesnt bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.