Old and New Jokes

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. Please describe, said his attorney, the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wifes fidelity.

Well, Im pretty much on the road all week, the man testified. So naturally when I am home, Im attentive to the wife.

One Sunday morning, he continued, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, Cant you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of I Love You variations and how to recognize them:

The I Love You, But Im Shy virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The Unrequited Love virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
The Love The One Youre With virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The Cant We Just Be Friends virus makes your computer think its interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The One Night Stand virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
The Happily Married virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
The Unhappily Married virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
The I Cant Commit virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computers data.
The Its Just A Physical Thing virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
The I Want A Divorce virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computers best data in an ugly network session.
The Little Virus Of The Evening virus will do anything to your computer – if youre willing to pay the right price.
The Stalker virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
The Forever Single virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
The Deadbeat Dad virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
The Married Too Long virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.

Morning. Uh, just to help you cope until you wake up:

Feet. They are the frayed bits at the end of your legs. They go on the floor.

Hands. Also frayed, but somewhat different. Lets see, how do we sort this one? I know; stand up. Can you touch the floor with your nose without falling? Right, in that case your hands and feet are mixed up. Pick your hands up _after_ youve put your feet on the floor. Glad weve got that sorted. Now your hands will come in handy (just my little pun) for all sorts of things. Lifting your nightie so you dont pee on the hem. Holding the kettle under the tap while you try to remember what you are doing. Closing the curtains before the sunlight burns out your retinas. The main use for hands is to fend off any walls, doors, hatstands, or other predators which will attack without notice.

Ears. Best left off until you are fully awake. Nothing will sound right, and youll spend far too much time worrying about the ominous creak which is in fact a wind-up alarm clock three blocks away.

Nose. Doesnt work. Probably just as well, as you now have to go to the bathroom to make smells.

Eyes. Enable you to perform rudimentary tasks like steering (almost) round the open door, and checking whether the – too late – seat is down.

Okay, now we are going to deal with some of the more technical aspects of morning. Remember I said something about a kettle? You dont? No, of course not, you havent woken up yet. Sorry. Right, kitchen, now! Can you see the sink? Stainless steel, perfect for reflecting the sunlaaargh shut the curtains quick. Dont worry, it was a very brief exposure, no permanent damage.

Where were we? Oh yes, the sink. At the moment its probably a black spot. Somewhere near that black spot is a kettle. White plastic, about 12 inches tall, handle on one side, spout opposite, and a lid on top which will resist all efforts to remove it until it is positioned just right to soak you. Yes, just like that. Now fill it up again. Half way. No problem, just pour some out again. Dont worry, just keep trying until you get it about halfway, up or down doesnt matter. Ill wait. Right, set it down on its base and turn it on. No, no, I didnt mean with terms of endearment or caresses. Somewhere near the handle is a switch. Keep looking for it until you hear a click. Fine, by the time youve done everything else the water will be ready.

Tricky bit, now. For this next stage you will need to find several items. First, a donut. Well, torus, anyway. Youve found one? Good. Hold it up to the light. If you can see through the hole eat it, if your fingers are in the hole its a cup. Of course, if youve just poured brown liquid down your front its last nights cup.

Next, a spoon. Teaspoon, to be precise. No, I dont know why it should be called a teaspoon when you are going to use it to make coffee. Lets see … Remember when you were little, when you were sick Mummy used to give you medicine to … Yes, it tasted absolutely disgusting. No, thats not why we want it now. Just trust me on this, please. Its for your own good. Your Mummy used to say that too, did she? Forget the spoon.

Now we need some coffee. Have a hunt round until you find a jar marked Nescafe. You cant focus yet? Not a problem. Take the lid off each jar in turn and sniff. Youll know the coffee when you find it. Thats right, racing heart, eyes doing back flips, and half a dozen neurons have just fired up of their own free will. Now put some coffee into the cup. This would have ben a lot easier with the spoon, but … No, please, I didnt mean it. We can manage just fine without the spoon. put a little bit of coffee on the palm of your hand, a little heap in the centre. Now pour that into the cup. Well done.

Next, sugar. Whats that, dear? No, I meant sugar, the stuff that makes things sweet. Yes, exactly like you, dear. To avoid further traumatisation I think well avoid the S word and do this the same way as the coffee. Thats right, palm of the hand, then into the cup.

Now I want you to be very, very careful for this next bit. Do you remember the kettle? Thats right, under that cloud. Now lift the kettle by the handle and point the spout towards the cup. A little closer, I think. Now tilt the kettle until water flows into the cup. No, the other way, towards the cup. Woah. A bit too full. Pick the cup up and take it … Never mind, the shakes have done an admirable job of reducing the level.

Finally, milk. Look for a large, white cupboard with two doors, one above the other. Open the top door. Did a light come on? Not, not inside your head, that wont happen until after youve had the coffee. Good, then this is the fridge. Look for a bottle or carton with white liquid in it. It may have a picture of a cow, or a missing child. Or Grandad. Have they still not found him since he went to the sweet shop?

Okay, quick sniff. Not smell anything? Thats good; only off milk smells strong enough to get through to a dormant brain. Pour a little bit into the cup. Stir. With a … Never mind. Just drink it, your stomach will sort it out, Im sure.

Just in time, here come the children. What, you dont have any children? Wake up, youre having a bad dream. Come on, wake up!

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended


up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, My wife Sadie visits me


three times a day. Shes so good to me. Every day, she reads


to me at the bedside.

What does she read? asks Morris.

My life insurance policy.

Knock Knock…

Whos there?

Belize!

Belize who?

Belize in yourself, and anyzing is pozzible!

This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes hes in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.

She looks at him says, What are we going to name it?

He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, If he gets out of this well call him Houdini.

Unos compadres se van a Houston de wetbacks y no hablan inglés.

Llega uno de ellos todo torcido por el viaje en la troka y se queja con el otro compadre:

Oiga compadre tengo un dolor pero perrón en la muñeca que se me sube parriba hasta el conejo, luego como que se retacha patras y pega en la paleta y de ahí parriba hasta las sienes compadre.

El compadre contesta:

Untate mentolato y no estés fregando.

El compadre insiste en que lo lleve al doctor, porque el dolor está muy severo y el compadre más o menos habla Ingles.

Llegan los compadres al Mercifull Hospital y se entrevistan con el Dr.

Explicale mi dolencia dice el compadre adolorido. Usté si habla algo de inglich compadre.

El compadre leído, inicia la explicación:

Look Doitor, aquí mi Withfather tiene un pain bien dogy que begun in the left doll and then run up to the rabbit. And from the rabbit como que take pa la bakward until the lollipop y luego agarra, pesca y get parriba and finish in the one hundreds de los dos lados…

El doctor en tono molesto le reprende:

You are mental retarded!

Y el compadre leido le explica al otro:

¿Ya ves compadre? !Que te pongas mentolato retearto!

1.Ur momma is so fat when she sat on the rainbow she made skittles.

2.Ur momma is so fat when she jumped outta the sky she got stuck.



3.Ur momma is so fat when she took one step she made an earthquake.



4.Ur momma is so ugly when she loooked into the mirror she got crusty.

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims its a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesnt care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there.

Why should you avoid running over an [ethnic] riding a bicycle in your
neighborhood?

– Because the bike may be yours.