Old and New Jokes

Really Stupid People

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?

The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, Tell you what – why don’t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you’ve got something really big and hard down there, and they’ll want you.

So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can’t understand what’s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, What am I doing wrong? You said they’d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!

Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!

Un joven, egresado de una de las universidades más prestigiosas del país, va a pedir trabajo a una empresa internacional y, con su típico tono de voz pedante, se presenta ante el gerente de personal:

Disculpe… Vengo a pedir empleo.

Muy bien, ¿me puedes decir que currículum o experiencia laboral tienes?

Pues verás, todavía no he trabajado porque soy recién egresado de la carrera de ingeniería en sistemas, en la mejor universidad, por supuesto, ¿no? Hablo 100% English y algo de Français y Japanese. Hice el servicio social en la Presidencia de la República junto con el sobrino del Presidente. Fui el segundo mejor promedio con 9.973. Hice un intercambio académico al MIT de Boston. Actualmente, vivo en Las Lomas y mi hermano es director general de una importante compañía. Además, cuento con disponibilidad para viajar por todo el mundo. Mi papá es master en finanzas corporativas y es miembro consultor de una empresa de las Fortune 500.

El gerente de personal, sin inmutarse, prosigue con la entrevista:

¿En qué área piensas desarrollarte en esta empresa?

Pssss, en la Dirección de Sistemas o en alguna gerencia, ¿no?

¿Y que pedirías por tus servicios?

Pues, para comenzar, una oficina privada con vista a la ciudad y dos secretarias; 10 mil pesos por semana, libres de impuestos; una supercomputadora, (con Internet, por supuesto); lugar de estacionamiento y un automóvil de la empresa… pero que tenga clima, un buen estéreo y bocinas, ¿qué te parece?

¡Muy bien!

En ese momento, el empleador se queda pensando un minuto y le sugiere:

Bueno, te vamos a proponer lo siguiente: un puesto en la Dirección de Sistemas con 10 personas a tu cargo y tres secretarias (para ti solo, por supuesto); también tendrás una oficina privada en el piso 27 del edificio con vista a la ciudad; un lugar para estacionarte al lado de los demás directores; te vamos a ofrecer 10 mil pesos pero diarios, libres de polvo y paja; un bono anual de 15 mil dólares por productividad, una computadora portátil, dos meses de vacaciones por año; gastos médicos mayores y, además, un Mercedes Benz rojo con todo y su chofer, ¿te parece?

Híjole, la verdad, ¡es mucho! ¿Estás bromeando?

¡Pues si tú empezaste, cabrón!

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blondes new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulls in front of them. The blonde then puts her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, What are you doing?!



The blonde calmly replied, Im trying to blow the horn.

Die Yuppie Scum.

She screamed her hand off.

Three men are discussing their previous nights lovemaking. The Italian says, My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.

The Frenchman says, I smooth sweet butter on my wifes body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.

The Jew says, I covered my wifes body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.

The others say, Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?

He shrugs. I wiped my hands on the drapes.

1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world… its an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
10. Where am I? should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. Its perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that youve had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. Ive had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example) builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,We shall never talk about this, agreed? The other young nun consented.

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend, I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question.

The other nun stared and said,O.K., one question!

The other nun stammered, then asked, Did it hurt?

Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called… never phoned… he never sent flowers…

Jack Benny was for about 50 years one of the USAs favorite comedians. One of his gimmicks was to play the violin badly (the audience would boo and laugh).

Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to the White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard stopped him and asked, Whats in that case?

To be funny, Benny replied, A machine-gun.

Thank goodness, deadpanned the guard, I was afraid it was your violin!