When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

A pilot, the President, Micheal Jackson, a librarian, and some kids are on a plane that is about to crash. There are just enough parachutes that one person must die.



The pilot says Well, Im the pilot so i have to live, so he jumps out with a parachute.





The President says Well Im the President and I have to run the country so i should live,





But what about the kids? said the librarian.





Screw the kids said the President.





I already did said Micheal Jackson.

One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.

The difference between philosophy and theology:

if you have an argument over
philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw
bombs.

Question: Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde…

Answer: A naked blonde doing cartwheels!

Q: Whats more profitable: a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?

A: A one-story whore house because theres no fuckin overhead.

Whats the difference between men and women?

Men are crabby all month long.

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
open.

Whats the matter with you? he said. Born in a barn?

— Robert

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program ?
UNIX consul: Yes, thats correct.
Customer: No, what is it ?
UNIX consul: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one ?
UNIX consul: No. which is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?
UNIX consul: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to
get information about yoo.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX consul: Use what.
Customer: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true ?
UNIX consul: No. true gives you 0.
Customer: Which one ?
UNIX consul: true gives you 0. which programname
Customer: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX consul: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program
to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consul: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consul: No. which command will find command.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consul: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX consul: No. write that. what program.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this ?
UNIX consul: du will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX consul: help is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX consul: No, I dont make me angry but I did make programname when
I was upset once.
Customer: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consul: No more? which will help you find more. Every system
has more.
Customer: Nice help! Im confused more now!
UNIX consul: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is
better not to nice help. and more now is not allowed but
at now is. Unless of course now is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consul: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the
Pascal compiler team.