Old and New Jokes

She wouldnt have been old enough to bear children!

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldnt find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

What do you do when you see your TV floating away in the middle of the night?

Cock your gun and say Freeze nigger!

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending hes driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, Charlie! What are you doing? Charlie replied, Cant talk right now…. Im driving to Chicago! The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, Well Charlie, how you doing? Charlie says, Im exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.Thats great, replied the nurse, Im glad you had a safe trip. The nurse leaves Charlies room, and then goes across the hall into another patients room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, Ed what are you doing!? To which Ed replies, Shhh, Im screwing Charlies wife, while hes in Chicago.

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond
and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a
lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped
up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an
eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over
the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which
bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, Howd you get a cork in your ass?

The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.

And I said, No shit.

It kept on repeating OOOOMMM.

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peters Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined companys new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the companys new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peters Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiffs smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vaticans prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors access to these key intellectual properties.

The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Churchs market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.

Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Churchs mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFTs vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.

Gates described MICROSOFTs long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class, Who can tell me which
organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated?

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. Mary,
can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual
size when stimulated?

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. Sir, how dare you ask such a question? she
says. Im going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal,
who will have you fired!

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Marys reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the
question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. Yes, Sam? says Mr. Sampson.

Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.

Very good, Sam. Thank you.

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, Mary, I have three things to tell you:
First, its clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have
a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly
disappointed.

A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then re-
married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.
When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldnt
overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, So, how does
that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?

He likes it just fine, she replied, once he gets past the used part.