Old and New Jokes

Things You’d Love to Say at Work!

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be………..?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting!

4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You!……..Off my planet.

8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder …….. My work here is done.

21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didnt know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasnt working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husbands manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, Maam, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week lets try to keep the club out of your mouth.

Debe aferrarse al césped para no despegar de la tierra.

El trabajo interfiere con la bebida.

El médico encuentra rastros de sangre en tu torrente alcohólico.

24 horas en un día, 24 cervezas en la nevera… ¿Coincidencia?

Dos manos y una sola boca… Ése es el problema de la bebida.

Puedes enfocar mejor con un ojo cerrado.

Cada mujer que conoces tiene una hermana gemela.

Acostado en el piso te caes.

Cada día que pasa le cuesta más al vaso encontrar tu boca.

Las decisiones del gobierno comienzan a tener sentido.

Tu único problema con la bebida es no tener un trago en ese momento.

Cada noche que pasa comienzas a encontrar más atractivo al gato de tu vecino.

Te despiertas desnudo en el último asiento de un ómnibus.

Los malditos elefantes rosas te siguen a tu casa.

El güisqui ya no surte efecto.

Te encuentras a bordo de un barco rumbo al África y lo último que recuerdas es que estabas tomando unas cervezas en el bar de la cuadra.

¿Por qué todos piensan que tengo un problema con la bebida?

Te despiertas solo en tu cama preguntándote por qué se habrá ido Pamela Anderson.

Conclusión:

El que bebe se emborracha.

El que se emborracha duerme.

El que duerme no peca.

El que no peca va al Cielo.

Y puesto que al cielo vamos… ¡BEBAMOS!

Habla un borracho a la estación de policía a las tres de la mañana:

Bueeeno, ¡hic! ¿Delegación de policía?, ¡hic!

Sí, señor, a sus órdenes.

¿Me puede mandar quince policías?

¡Cómo no, señor! ¿Adónde?

¡A chingar a su madre! ¡Hic!

Q: What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
novices. The Tao is embodied in all software–regardless
of how insignificant, said the master.

Is Tao in a hand-held calculator? asked the novice.

It is, came the reply.

Is the Tao in a video game? continued the novice.

It is even in a video game, said the master.

And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.
The lesson is over for today, he said.

Reprinted from The Tao of Programming.

1. Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!



2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.



3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.



4. Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.



5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.



6. You want to see if its like the dream.



7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.



8. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.



9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.



10. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.



11. No one steals your chair anymore.

Husband and wife in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband: Darling, take off my dress. The husband complies.

And now, she says in a husky voice, Take off my high heel shoes. Thats nice. Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good. Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood. And finally, take off my panties, will you? Thank you.

AND DONT YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEAR ANY OF THEM AGAIN!!!

Patient to optometrist: Im very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Dont worry, you wont be able to see the difference.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem?

The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, he explained… It took us awhile to find a new pilot.