The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!
05
Nov
05
Nov
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
05
Nov
Spinster: A bachelors wife.
05
Nov
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
05
Nov
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: There are no fish in there.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
How do you know there are no fish there? asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, youre going to have to pay for those holes.
05
Nov
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: Why dont you be a good Samaritan and take him home.
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunks wife greets them at the door: Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but wheres his wheel chair?
05
Nov
Dont believe in superstition — it brings bad luck.
05
Nov
*You havent asked yet.
*I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
*What? And spoil my great sex life?
*Nobody would believe me in white.
*Because I just love hearing this question.
*Just lucky, I guess.
*It gives my mother something to live for.
*My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
*Im still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
*Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
*Im waiting until I get to be your age.
*It didnt seem worth a blood test.
*I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
*Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
*My co-op board doesnt allow spouses.
*Id have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
*They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
*I wouldnt want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
*I guess it just goes to prove that you cant trust those voodoo doll rituals.
*What? And lose all the money Ive invested in running personal ads?
*We really want to, but my lovers spouse just wont go for it.
*I dont want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
*Why arent you thin?
*Im married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
And, if all else fails: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, Youre next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
05
Nov
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Stan
Stan who?
Stan back or Ill be sick on your shoe!!!!
05
Nov
A mosquito cried out in pain:
A chemist has poisoned my brain!
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane
[paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT]