This is my apartment, but dont break anything, or youll have to pay for it.
Here, have a tic-tac. Its on me.
(To the waitress) Could I have your phone number?
Before we go back to my place, youre not afraid of cockroaches, are you?
I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?
Hey, check out the babe sittin in the corner. Wow, what a body!
What? Oh, I thought you were paying.
Nice dress. I have one at home just like it.
So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see youre eating.
I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?
No, I dont have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. Im building a submarine, when Im not playing with my inflatable doll.
(Looking at her plate) Are you going to finish that?
The mother ship will be returning next June. Then Ill be leaving for Neptune. Hey, heres a thought. You should come with me!
My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?
Well, I dont go out in public all too often. And I dont like to be touched, so dont touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me.
Im gonna do it. I bought a gun. Ive got bullets. Just wait. My bossll be yellin at me, and then, BLAM!
As soon as I saw you, I knew youd go out with me. I said to myself, Theres someone who looks desperate enough.
Does this look like ringworm to you?
Hurry up and eat, because weve got to get home in time for Star Trek.
No, Im not really a doctor. I just pretend that I am so I can pick up women.
We dont need a cab. We can walk. Its only eighteen blocks.
Do you like this shirt? Me too. I wear it every day.
Im not afraid of anything. Except heights. And confinement. And dogs, and cats, and really scary clowns. And the old lady down the street, and…
Could you drive me to the airport next week? And Im going to be moving next month, and I could use some help. Also, Ive been thinking about painting my garage. Are you any good at painting?
Have you thought about getting a Thigh-master? What about that Ultra Slim-fast, have you tried that?
Ive never been on a date here before. I usually just come here with the guys after we go to the mud-wrestling tournaments.
Hey, look at that guy. Whats he eating? And look at that other guy. I wonder if hes gonna leave a tip? Look at those people. What do you think theyre talking about? Ooh! That guy just spilled something!
I lost my job about a week after my father died. Then my wife left me. Then my dog got hit by a car. A couple days later, the landlord sent me an eviction notice. I hope Im not depressing you, because I really am a fun guy. So anyway, now my neighbour is suing me in a property dispute, and…
No, the fries are only half-price if you get the burger AND the milkshake! What the hells the matter with you?! Cant you read?! Are you stupid?!
Oh, God, its eleven oclock! Ive got to get home before my wife notices Im gone!

Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen french fries to a poker game?

Someone told her to bring her own chips.

Two Bedouins were in the middle of a desert. When one gets something blown into his eye. His companion takes a look at his eye for him and says, “Hold still Abdul, it might be sand.”

A man died and went to hell. There he was recived by the director angel of hell. The angel asked him Are you from the first, second, or third world?.

The man said I am from the free world.

The angel said Go to department number 1.

He went there were he saw another angel. The angel said Since this part of hell is for the free domacratic world you have the choice for the way you are going to be punished. I will take you around and you will choose what suits you.

He took him to the first room where people are being grilled on a charcoal. The man said Ooooh this is too much for me.

He took him to the second room where people are being fried in hot oil. He said No this is too oily for me cant you take me to somthing which suits me. The angel asked him Where do you come from.

I am British, said the man with a proud voice.

OK, go to room number 627 that is good for you, said the angel. There the man found people standing, with half of there bodies sunk in shit, and drinking tea.

That is not too bad, said the man. He joined them and started drinking the tea. Ten minutes later the angel guard of the room said with a firm voice: OK, tea time is over, every body upside down.

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

To prepare them for the bill!

Rumors have been circulating regarding what the troopers were shouting after they found the man hiding Elian Gonzalez in a closet during the raid of the house that was illegally holding him.

Some people claim they were shouting,Bingo!Bingo!Bingo! Others claim it was Score!Score!Score!

But the real truth is, when the trooper ripped open the closet door and was brought face to face with the fisherman holding Elian, he shouted, Drop the chalupa!

The following are actual statements found on Insurance Forms where car drivers attempted to summuarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instance of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave away causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I havent misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.  The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.  Have a nice dak!!!

Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, Whats on the TV? I said, Dust!In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?
Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?
What did he say? Bush asked.
He said, thats me, so I hired him. Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. Thanks, Mikhail. Thats a great idea. As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
Dan, he said, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother? Quayle looked rather puzzled. Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President? He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldnt get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, Ill ask Jim Baker. Hes a smart guy. Quayle called Baker on the phone.
Jim, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
That would be me, Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
Thanks, Jim. Youve helped me out big time. He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. Mr. President, I have the answer!
Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
Its Jim Baker! said Quayle.
No, said Bush. Its Shevardnadze.