Old and New Jokes

You so ugly, your mama put you next to a piece of crap and said "Twins!"

Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Wont Go Nutty.

If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord
I Will Not Flunk.

But If I Do,
Dont Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.

Tell My Prof
I Did My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.

Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray Ill Pass
Tomorrows Test.

If I Should Die Before I Wake,
Thats One less Test Ill Have to Take.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow
In Santa Ana, Calif., an appeals court ruled that a skier who was paralyzed after he collided with the steel post that supported a sign saying Be Aware – Ski With Care may sue the resort that erected the sign.

The winner of the Fourth Annual American Express Most Outrageous Gift Search was the Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit, which included a mink trap, skinners knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up included a jar of navel lint, a dead cats ashes, a gift certificate to an out-of-business restaurant and a voodoo doll complete with needles and instructions.

Our Run For The Hills, The Lawyers Have Landed Award to a lawsuit filed against the publisher of the Beardstown Ladies Common-Sense Investment Guide, which seeks damages because the 1995 book exaggerated the profits of the club of elderly women investors by adding contributions by its members into its total investment gains. The lawsuit, which seeks class-action status, claims the publisher should have known of the inflated figures.

The All The News Thats Not Fit To Print Award to a former employee of the Gwinnett Daily Post in Georgia who was sentenced to three months in prison and fined $2,800 for offering to sell confidential business information about the newspaper to the rival Atlanta Journal-Constitution – which alerted authorities.

Q: Did you hear about the blind circumcisor?

A: He got the sack.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid to pee.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, Whats in the bags?

Sand, answered Juan.

The guard says, Well just see about that – get off the bike!

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, What have you got?

Sand, says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesnt show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

Hey, Buddy, says the guard, I know you are smuggling something. Its driving me crazy. Its all I think about…..

I cant sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

Juan sips his beer and says, Bicycles.

Manolo le confía a Venancio:

Hombre, no se lo digas a nadie pero estoy engañando a mi esposa.

Pero, ¿cómo es eso de que estás engañando a tu esposa?

Sí, fíjate que ayer la encontré en mi cama con otro hombre.

¡Pues no que tú eres el que la está engañando!, exclama sorprendido Venancio.

Sí, es que ella todavía no sabe que yo sé.

Un hombre entra a la ferrtería y pregunta:

Señor, ¿tiene clavos?

No, no tengo, responde el vendedor

¿Y pintura?

La verdad es que tampoco tengo.

¿Y un serrucho?

Mire señor, para serle franco, no tenemos nada.

Molesto, el cliente le reclama:

Bueno, ¿y entonces por qué no cierra?

¡Porque no tengo candados!

Van dos sacerdotes caminando por la calle y en sentido contrario viene una bella mujer que se está pudriendo de lo buenota que está. De pronto sopla el viento, le levanta la falda y se le ven unos carnosos muslos y una cadera suculenta.

Padre, ¿usted no es sensible a estas situaciones? dice uno de los sacerdotes.

¡Hermano, si la sotana fuera de hierro usted hubiese quedado sordo del campanazo!