This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired. Heres your kit; go sell! The second came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired! Heres your kit; go sell! The third came in and said, I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi – Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!No, I am terribly sorry says the man, this will never work! You cant sell Bibles for me! The applicant replied, B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job! As there were no other applicants and he felt sorry for him, the man said, OK, Ill give you one shot at this!At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, I sold 8 Bibles today. The second reports: I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!Wow, says the boss. Thats incredible, however, I want you to sell even more Bibles tomorrow.At the end of the next day, the first worker comes in and reports, Today, I sold 32 Bibles. The second worker reports, I sold 44 Bibles today The third worker reports, To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.Fantastic, said the boss. Getting curious how he can make such great sales with his speaking problem, he asks him what his sales technique is. I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b i
In the interest of getting the history of the Neiman-Marcus Cookie
Recipe story absolutely correct, I have voluntarily engaged in some
heavy research. I logged about 12 hours in a local collegiate library
and came up with what I believe to be the earliest version of this
story. It is not unique to America. Heck, it is not even unique to
this century! Below I have translated from the runic, the (I can only
believe it is the original) first known reference to being overcharged
for a recipe, and then cheating the seller by passing along the recipe
to many others. Take a gander and let me know what you think…
Larry Rogers
A Proclamation from Sir Lord Duke Belvedere, Leige of Wiltshire, Proud
Servant of His Lord High God and the King under Him to all kith and kin
across the land, acroos the seas, and to any of noble blood beyond.
It would pleaseth us mightily if thou, with thine noble heart and
chivalrous soul wouldst maketh it a point to use the recipe contained
herein and pass it along to thine own kith and kin to be used and passed
along to theirs…
But, first, because it doth pleaseth, us, and hopefuly thou as well,
the history of this wondrous recipe that We have enclosed for thou…
We, Sir Lord Duke Belvedere, Leige of Wiltshire, Proud Servant of His
Lord High God and the King under Him, had the unique pleasure of
visiting the demense of the Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy.
During which visit, we had the opportunity to partake of many feasts in
our honor and his. It was during yon feasts that a most heavenly
beverage was presented and consumed. Twas Mead, and not just any mead,
we may say. Twas blackberry mead of a most delectable sort. Upon the
completion of yon visit to the Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy,
we requested that a recitation of the procedure for drinking that most
delectable beverage be ensconced within our historian’s head for a
repitition to our own beverage preparer at home. The Most Noble Oleg,
Prince of Normandy informed us that it would cost us 350 guilders and 30
head of cattle. We said that it should not be a problem for one of
such noble birth as ourselves, that his Leige, the Most Noble Lord Oleg,
Prince of Normandy should inform our historian of the procedure, and
send him back to us in 30 days time with a messenger to carry the return
payment for the recipe.
A month of days went by and the historian was duly returned to us. The
messenger from His Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prionce of Normandy was
scheduled to return to his lord the following day. When we asked that
the charge be repeated to us, we were informed that the exchange rate
for the guilders translated into 15,000 pounds! That Cad! The
Messenger was beheaded, and his head returned to the Most High Noble
Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy, along with the requested 30 head of
cattle and 350 pounds.
Our own beverage maker was set to work immediately to prepare some of
the wonderful mead. It took over a month to fully prepare. Upon the
date of its completion, we were about to partake the first drink of the
most wonderous elixer whereupon a messenger burst forth upon our feast
and informed us that the Most High Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy had not
been pleased with our treatment of his messenger, and had declared war
upon us, there was a full fleet of 7 long-boats full of armed warriors
on their way to make war with us immediately!
And so, upon the potential that I shall not return from the battle, I
wish to make certain that the High Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy does
not play such a prank on any others of our noble standing, and so we
give to you, free of charge the recipe for which we are about to make
war…
Your Patron, Friend, Foe, Ally and Leige, Sir Lord Duke Belvedere,
Leige of Wiltshire, Proud Servant of His Lord High God and the King
under Him
Blackberry Mead
Ingredients (2 gallons):
1 gallon ripe blackberries
4 1/2 lbs clover honey
acid blend and yeast
Montrache wine yeast
Procedure:
Pick about a gallon of good ripe berries, rinseth them. During this
time beginneth a simple mead with 2 1/2lbs of yon clover honey and
enough water to make a gallon. Useth the Montrache wine yeast and add
yeast and acid blend.
Fermentation shall stop after three weeks. Masheth the blackberries
with a wine bottle. Add the mead. Two weeks later, rack the liquid off
of the fruit and into a carboy. Add another 2 lbs of honey and enough
water to fill it up to 2 gallons. A month later, bottle. At eight
months, it shall be perfect.
Comments:
Up through six months of aging, it shan’t be very good, but at eight
shall be wonderful. It becometh like a really good red wine with a
blackberry nose and
aftertaste.
—————————————
The above is most certainly a parody, and the mead recipe has been
changed enough to make it almost unusable. you may find the original at:
http://alpha.rollanet.org/library/beeslees.html
If you have enjoyed this, please send it along to others afflicted with
the Neiman-Marcus story, and be certain to include my name right up at
the top where it is now.
From the San Francisco Chronicle Personals column of 01/22/90:
Readers of New York magazine were asked to submit made-up headlines for
tabloid newspapers. Some of the suggestions:
Dog Missing Since 1940 Returns, Bites Master
I Found Danny DeVitos Head in a Dumpster
Satanic Messages in Nintendo Imperil our Youth
Sky-diving Mom Gives Birth During Free-Fall
Your Remote Control Could Launch Nuclear Weapons
Man Held in Shooting Death of Own Siamese Twin
Cocker Spaniel Shoots Intruder, Calls 911 to Save Master
Infant Grows Sideburns During Visit to Graceland
Aliens Reconstruct Berlin Wall
The five rules of Socialism:
1. Dont think
2. If you do think, dont speak
3. If you think and speak, dont write
4. If you think, speak and write, dont sign
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, dont be surprised
How does the Soviet Constitution differ from the American?
Under the Soviet Constitution citizens are guaranteed
freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
Why is Poland just like the United States?
In the United States you cant buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you cant either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you
want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
Henry Cate III
Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.
It doesnt snow in Hell.
Everyone has heard of Hell.
Its more fun getting into Hell.
You cant fail out of Hell.
At least you can sleep in Hell.
Hell is forever, college just seems like it.
People smile in Hell.
You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
You know there are hot men in Hell.
You wouldnt tell a friend to go to college
St Peter is standing at heavens gate when a man walks up.
Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?
I was a policeman, he responded.
What kind of policeman? St Peter asked.
I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.
Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.
A few moments later a second man walks up.
Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?
I was a policeman, he responded.
What kind of policeman? St Peter asked.
I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.
Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.
A few moments later a third man walks up.
Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?
I was a policeman, he responded.
What kind of policeman? St Peter asked.
I was a Military Policeman, Sir.
Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. No, thank you, Mrs. Watkins replied. The Lord will provide. The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. Dont trouble yourself, she told him. The Lord will provide.
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, The Lord will provide.
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. What happened? she cried.
For cryin out loud, lady, God said, I sent three boats!