Old and New Jokes

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence,
but when you get over there you find out it has to be mowed.

I heard this in Macon on the TV over the weekend:

Remember to set your clocks ahead one hour tonight … unless youre Newt Gingrich, then set your clock back 40 years.

Newt Gingrich is the USAs new Speaker of the House of Representatives, a paleo-conservative whose pronouncements, IMHO, are full of bombast and sophistry. Viz: This (bill which will reduce taxes for earners of UP TO $200,000 A YEAR) is good for the American Family!

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying Ehhhh… 22!

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
And can you tell us your height, please?

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces Five foot two!

This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee wont have to count, measure, or lookup.
Just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying MANDY!

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks –
What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?

Ohhhh, that! replies the airhead…
I was just running through that song –
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman. Screw me or climb the ladder to success she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

Screw me or climb the ladder to success she said. Well, thought the man, might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.

Screw me now or climb the ladder to success she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want. Screw me or climb the ladder to success she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.

Who are you? the man asked.

Hello said the ugly fat man said, my names Cess!

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opposums was St. Matthew. Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).

Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and its assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.

Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.

Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.

Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patients lacking ability to make decisions.

Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.

English horn: A woodwind that got its name because its neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.

Twas the night before Christmas and Santas a wreck…

How to live in a world thats politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said shed enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, hed neer had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing thats warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets… they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football… someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But youve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere…

even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth…

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!

Cesiums Strange
(Tune, People are strange – The Doors)

Cesiums strange,
when youre a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.

Dont take it out in the rain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Dont you remember the pain?
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youre insane —
Cesiums strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!

Dont take it out in the rain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youll always remember the pain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youre insane —

— Songs of Cesium #13

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bolton!
Bolton who?
Bolton the door!

14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isnt