Old and New Jokes

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

Dad, whats the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies: Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if shed have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother: Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000? The mother replies: Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father: Dad, she said Hell yes I would! The father then says: Okay, now go and ask your older sister if shed have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister: Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000? The sister replies: Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father: Dad, she said Hell yes I would! The father answers: Okay son, heres the deal: Hypothetically, were millionaires, but in reality, were just living with a couple of whores.

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I dont need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didnt he like him or somethin.

The doctor replied, No, its your ducks at the entrance… Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.

The boss didnt want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, hed hire him.

He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, How did he do that?

Next he took him to a pile of 2x4s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.

They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.

The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.

Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said You think youve got me, dont you? Well I know what that is.

Thats the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

1. Man: So, wanna go back to my place?

Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?



2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:



Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God somebody asked you.



3. Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.



4.Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.



5. Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.



6. After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.



7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life? She took one glance at him and said, For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.



8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, What are you looking at!?



My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.



9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their passes had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once…



When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason! She responded, Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!



10. Sorry, I dont date outside my species.



11. Man: Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.



Woman: You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body cant cash.

Yo mommas so fat she did a split and gave the sidewalk a hickie!

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard…. Violators will be toad!

In Las Vegas, there are many ministers who hold marriages. So in the middle of the night, a couple knock on the door of a church. One groom and one bride with a heavy veil so the face cannot be seen. The minister lets them in and they do the usual. After the marriage, the groom asks how much he should pay. The minister says the price is on the beauty of the bride. So the groom flips him a quarter. The minister suprised, he lifts the veil of the bride. The minister then says, Hold on son, I owe you some change.

In this age of instant and near-instant communications, abbreviations have become commonplace, especially amongst the younger generations. For older internet users, heres a handy guide to translating:

AbbreviationPreviously long phrase
whrthfckuben?
Goodness, its been a long time since weve chatted, hasnt it?

utypliksht
Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Woods speed-typing course?

ugoturhdupyrass?
Are you sure about that?

sowenugtoutofjail?
So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?

tkurabbrevsandshuvem
Wouldnt you rather just type the whole phrase out?

A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.

More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.