Charging Your Patients

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarians office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room and carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, Im sorry, but this bird is dead.The man began to cry, No! No! That cant be true! I want another opinion.The vet thought a second, then said, Okay, and left for the back office. He returned with a black Labrador retriever. The black Lab sniffed the bird and finally gave a low woof sound and looked up at the vet. The vet said to the man, The dog thinks that the bird is dead too.The man said, I dont believe it! I want another opinion!The vet then left with the black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table and the cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged the bird again and again. Finally the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird.The vet said, The cat thinks its dead too.The man sighed and said, I guess youre right. How much do I owe you?The vet said, That will be $2,000 please.The horrified man said, Two thousand bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? Thats ridiculous! Thats outrageous!The vet then said, Well, I was going to charge you just fifty bucks, but then I had to include the Lab fees and the Cat scan!

Gravy Ladle

Poza publicata in [ Religious ]

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the
rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was and he wondered…

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and
that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, Father, ever
since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose he took it, do you?

The pastor said, Well, I doubt it but Ill write him a letter. So he wrote,
Dear Father, Im not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and Im not
saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been
missing since you were here for dinner.

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, Dear
Father Pastor, Im not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and Im not
saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that
if you slept in your own bed… you would have found the gravy ladle by now!

Ice Cream Flavors

Poza publicata in [ Jewish ]

Ben & Jerrys new Israeli ice cream flavors:


Wailing Walnut


Moishmallow


Mazel Toffee


Rashi Road


Chazalnut


Oy Ge-malt


Cherry Bim


Cherry Bum


Mi Ka-mocha


Lemontashens


Manishta Nut


Abba Ebanana


Bernard Malamint


Cashew LePesach


Chuppapaya


Choc-Eilat Chip


Simchas TOreo



All flavors come in a Cohen



Talking to kids

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A business man urgently needed to talk to his star employee so he called him at home on a Saturday. He was very surprised when the phone was answered before the first ring was even complete. A small boys voice whispered on the other end:Hello?
Is your father at home?
Yes, the boy whispered.
Can I speak to him?
No, hes busy.
Is your mom home?
Yes
Can I talk to her?
No, the voice said still in a whisper.
Is there anyone else there?
Yes, the boy whispered, The fireman and the policeman, but theyre busy talking to mom and dad.
The man was getting frustrated now, but he heard a loud noise on the other end of the line. Whats that noise
The little boy replied in an awed whisper: Its a helicopter! Theyre landing a helicopter on our lawn.
Angrily the man shouted What are all those people doing over there?!?
and the answer came:
SHHH! Looking for me

American Beer (Mildly Gross)

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A German and an American werte having a rather heated arguement about the quality of their respective countrys brews. This went on for a good half hour when the German said: Look. Ill prove it to you

Whereupon, he poured a couple of ounces of Bud into a specimin jar and sent it off to a testing lab for analysis.

Well, about two weeks later, a letter arrives from the lab which read as followes:

Dear Mr. Schnitzel,

Based on the evaluation of the sample you sent us, we regret to inform you that your horse is diabetic.

Warmest Regards

Dr. Ben D. Over

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

A: Because red means Stop, wrong hole.

Disorder in Court

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

From a little book called Disorder in the Court. These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth. Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis–does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son–the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, Where am I Cathy? Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost

499. Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and

500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident? Q: and, before the accident?

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult?

A: We both do. Q: Voodoo?

A: We do. Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?

A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

What store employees really mean..

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

1. Can I help you get a size?
(Dont touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I dont need your hands messing it up again.) 2. Do you need help with anything?
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.) 3. Welcome to (Store Name Here)
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.) 4. Have a nice day!
(Now that you ruined mine.) 5. Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!) 6. Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!) 7. I love your shirt! Where did you get it?
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?) 8. Can I help you get something down?
(Ill get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.) 9. Dont worry about folding it, I can do it.
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.) 10. No, we dont have any more in the back.
(I just dont want to check.)

Really Stupid People

Poza publicata in [ Idiots ]

Really Stupid People

A Los Angeles man who later said he was tired of walking, stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

The Drunk in the Fountain

Poza publicata in [ Tasteless ]

A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says Stop that and put it away! The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.

Okay, whats so funny?

asks the cop.

Fooled you.

says the drunk I put it away, but I didnt stop.