Old and New Jokes

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing offguard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

I know said the manager. Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and well be on our way.

No, said the hardware engineer. Ive got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and well be on our way.

Wait, said the software engineer. Before we do anything, shouldnt we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?

ACCOUNTANTS – Lose their balance.

ACTORS – Drop a part.

ACTUARIES – Get broken down by age and sex.

ARCHERS – Bow and quiver.

BANKERS – Lose interest.

BASEBALL PLAYERS – Get pitched.

BASKETBALL players – Go on dribbling.

BEEKEEPERS – Buzz off.

BLONDES – Dye away.

BOOKKEEPERS – Lose their figures.

BOTANISTS – Wither away.

BOWLERS – End up in the gutter.

CARDIAC SURGEONS – Get bypassed.

CHAUFFEURS – Lose their drive.

CHICKENS – Get fried.

CLEANING PEOPLE – Kick the bucket.

CLOTHIERS – Lose their shirts.

COMPUTER USERS – Lose their memory.

COOKS – Get deranged.

COWS – Kick the bucket.

DAIRYMEN – Get butter and butter.

DAREDEVILS – Get discouraged.

DEANS – Lose their faculties.

DOCTORS – Lose their patients.

EGYPTIAN TOURISTS – Go senile.

ELECTRICIANS – Lose contact.

ENGINEERS – Lose their bearings.

EXTERMINATORS – Bug out.

FARMERS – Go to seed.

The science section of Tuesdays The New York Times (Jan 6, 1998) includes a profile of Biologist Dr. Anne Simon (U Mass, Amherst). The piece (by Carey Goldberg) is entitled The Science Adviser to Whaaat?

It seems that Dr. Simon has, for some time, been a friend of one Chris Carter. Carter is the creator of the X-FILES TV show on the Fox network (U.S.). For the uninitiated, Goldberg describes X-FILES as a dark confection of conspiracy, fantasy and paranormalcy. On the show two FBI agents come across aliens (from outer space), witches, vampires and high government conspiracies. But the crazy thing is often well written and filled with dry humor (EG. in one episode about a southern town whose economy was based upon a chicken processing plant and whose culture was steeped in cannibalism, the local companys motto was: GOOD PEOPLE MAKE GOOD FOOD).

When Carter started to write scripts for the show he called on Dr. Simon for scientific expertise. Simon says (?!?), What Chris says is that the science looking real and being real is what makes the show scary.

In the show Special Agent Fox Mulder has a big sign in his office. The sign reads: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Dr. Simon has a sign on HER office door. Her sign reads: THE TRUTH IS IN HERE

Simon doesnt get paid much for her consulting on the show, but she does get bragging rights and access to clips from the show that she uses in her class lectures. Simon also wears an X-FILES t-shirt when she teaches.

Kinda makes ya wanna go back and take bio again, no?

Knock, Knock. Whos there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? DWAYNE THE TUB! IM DWOWNING!

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TO

MOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. Is Fred home? he asked the woman who answered the door. Sorry, the woman replied. Freds gone for cotton.

The next day the collector tried again. Is Fred here today?

No, sir, she said, Im afraid Fred has gone for cotton.

When he returned the third day he humphed, I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?

No, the woman answered solemnly, Fred died yesterday.

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Freds tombstone, with this inscription: Gone, But Not for Cotton. RIP, Fred.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth marriage.

After the examination, the physician seemed confused. Youre a virgin. How is that possible?

My first husband was a psychiatrist, she explained. He analyzed it all the time.

My second husband was an English lit professor. He wrote about it all the time.

My third husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it.

But now Im marrying a lawyer, she said with a smile, so I know Ill get screwed.

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, Wah… so expensive!

There upon, the driver yelled back, Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!

¿Cómo se relacionan las matemáticas con el sexo?

Se unen un 1° y un 2°…

Para formar un 3°, en un 4°…

Para romper un 5°.

Una novicia recién ingresada en un convento comienza por primera vez con los rituales matutinos. Siguiendo en fila a las otras hermanas, llega a la capilla donde se encontraba expuesto el Santísimo y observa que aquellas se inclinan diciendo:

Yo me ofrezco.

Una tras otra:

Yo me ofrezco.

Cuando llega su turno, la novicia se inclina diciendo:

¡Yo meo calientito y espumoso!