Old and New Jokes

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, you do God’s work. The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, you protect the public. The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, you serve the justice system. The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, Little boy, what are you doing?

The boy replied, I am making George Bush with this manure, Mister.

Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?

The boy answered, Oh no Mister, I cant make Bill Clinton.

But why not? asked the man.

The boy replied Well, Mister, there isnt enough here to make Bill Clinton.

Era un concurso internacional en el que participaban un alemán, un americano y un mexicano. El ganador sería el que lograra pasar sin armas un bosque con lobos, cruzar nadando un lago lleno de cocodrilos, entrar a una cueva y matar a un oso a cachetadas y al final hacer el amor con una mujer.

En primer lugar se lanza el alemán; entra en el bosque e inmediatamente los lobos se lo comen.

Sigue el turno del americano quien logra deshacerse de los lobos, pero al tratar de cruzar el lago es devorado por los cocodrilos.

Por último llega el turno del mexicano, quien logra pasar el bosque, llega al lago, pelea con los cocodrilos y sale con vida. Inmediatamente entra a la cueva del oso. Se escuchan ruidos extraños, rugidos, gritos y después de un rato sale el mexicano lleno de sangre y con sus ropas destrozadas y pregunta:

¿Dónde está la vieja esa que hay que matar a cachetadas?

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.

When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.



When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.



On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.



This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.



One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said I am awfully sorry about your brother.



The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said What happened to him? The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.



The brother then said No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.

The Differences:



HIM:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car b/c youre too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit cancel

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

12A Hit cancel

12B Call husband to get correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

Did you hear about how the [ethnic] hockey team drowned?

Spring Training.

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the real world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.

As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend out on the
town in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.

Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and Ill hear your
confessions one at a time.

The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…

Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a mans penis with my left hand.

The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…

Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.

With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…

Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a mans penis with my right hand.

The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…

Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.

The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…

In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!

One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…

Listen Father,… If you think Im gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, after shes sat in it, youve got another damn think coming!

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and Ill show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriends bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it.
The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!

A man pulls up to a gas station on a very hot day and the young attendant just happened to glance in the backseat, where he sees two penguins. He says, “Sir, it is so hot outside. Those two penguins belong at the zoo!”“Yes, you are right,” the man said. “Thank you.”The next day, the guy comes to buy more gas and the penguins are standing up on the back seat wearing sunglasses. The young guy says, “Man, you said that you were taking them to the zoo.”“Well, yes, I took them and they liked it so much that today we are going to the beach.”