27
Mar

Bears

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasnt so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

Hes in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friends family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

Why did you do that? exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other!

Exactly, replied the sheriff, would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

Thanx to Douglas V Taylor.

27
Mar

Why do dogs lick their privates?

Because they can.Why do dogs stick their noses in womens crotches?
Same reason.

27
Mar

Jesus meets Joseph

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst booking-in the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

Joseph is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

Occupation? is the next question, the reply being Carpenter.

Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks Did you have a little boy?, the answer is yes.

Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles? asks Jesus, Yes comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts FATHER, FATHER?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies…. Pinnochio?

27
Mar

What Happened in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled.
No one answered.
ALL RIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?
The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

27
Mar

Alcoholic at a graveyard

Three men had been friends for a long time and each night they went out for a good time. But one the men was always getting drunk.

One night the men were out together and the one that always drank too much passed out. The other two decided that they would teach him a lesson to try to get him to stop drinking.

They carried his drunken body to the cemetery where they found a grave that had been dug for a funeral the following day. They dropped him into the grave and left him.

The next morning the drunk awoke and was trying to figure out where he was. He finally managed to climb to the top of the hole.

He looked around and saw all of the tombstones and said, Well, what do you know, Resurrection Day, and Im the first one up!

27
Mar

Wrong House?

Do you know what it means to come home to a man wholl give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means youre in the wrong house!

27
Mar

The property (adult)

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, Id give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman.

To their surprise the woman turned and said, Ill take you up on that.

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, If you dont give me the other twenty-five dollars Ill sue you for it.

He laughed, saying, Id like to see you get it on these grounds.

The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said She cant possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.

After the usual preliminaries, the ladys lawyer adressed the court as follows: Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent o the defendent for a specified length of time for fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only twenty five dollars. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.

The defendants lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defence was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned. Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgement not be granted.

The young ladys lawyers comeback was this: Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and did make moves as described by my opponent; however, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property; also upon evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgement to be granted.

(SHE GOT IT!)

26
Mar

Join the Army

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, IF YOU DONT JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE ILL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, did you jump?

The boy said, A little at first!

26
Mar

Resulta que Cornelio se ha

Resulta que Cornelio se ha casado con Facilisa, y ésta, la noche de bodas, coloca un cofre cerrado con un gran candado al pie de la cama.

¿Para que es ese cofre, cielo?, pregunta Cornelio, Ese es un secreto mío que nunca te voy a decir, le reponde su amada.

Cornelio, respetuoso del sentir de su mujer, no vuelve a preguntar. Al volver del viaje de bodas, Facilisa coloca al pie de la cama de su nuevo hogar el dichoso cofre. Cornelio, presa de la intriga y la duda, le vuelve a preguntar: Vida mia, después del maravilloso viaje de bodas, no me puedes decir que es lo que guardas con tanto celo en ese cofre? No, querido mío. Como te he dicho antes, es mi secreto y no te lo diré.

Así pasan muchos años, sin que Cornelio pregunte más por el cofre. Sin embargo, al cumplir 50 años de casados, después de la celebracion, Cornelio persiste nuevamente y dice: Amor mio… son ya 50 años de casados. Hemos compartido mucho, y la verdad es que creo que es tiempo de que me digas lo que guardas en el cofre. Facilisa, conmovida por la escena, finalmente accede, y al abrirlo, Cornelio encuentra dentro cinco granitos de maiz y una bolsa repleta de dinero.

Cornelio, perturbado, le pregunta a su mujer: ¿Y eso, para que lo has guardado con tanto celo? Debo confesarte, responde Facilisa, que por cada vez que te he sido infiel, guardaba un granito de maiz en el cofre. Cornelio, aunque decepcionado, se consolaba pensando que cinco infidelidades, en 50 años de casados, después de todo no era tanto. Entonces, pregunta a Facilisa: ¿Y el dinero? Y le responde Facilisa: Es que cada vez que juntaba una tonelada de maíz, pues la vendía.

26
Mar

Estaban varias personas en un

Estaban varias personas en un velorio, todas muy tristes y algunas haciendo guardia al cuerpo del difunto, cuando entra un borracho hasta las cachas, se acerca al grupo que hacía la guardia y se dirige al primero que se le ocurre:

Oye, ¿aquí es la fiesta de quince años?

El tipo le responde: !No señor, esto es un velorio.

Y dice el borracho:

¡Con razón se me hacía muy grande el pastelote…!