Old and New Jokes

A: Artificial intelligence.

Did you know that verb is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you cant spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why arent two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If youve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldnt this also mean that you would have to member somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldnt there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Where do swear words come from?

Why cant you make another word using all the letters in anagram?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word irregardless?

Why do some people type cool as kewl?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say somethings out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does cleave mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesnt onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why dont we say why instead of how come?

Why is crazy man an insult, while to insert a comma and say Crazy, man! is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word gullible isnt in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isnt palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she see him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, Whats THAT?, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, Well, thats what we had so much fun with last night.

And she, in amazement, asked, Is that all we have left?

Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

Q: What do you call three blondes sitting under a Christmas tree?

A: Ho, Ho, Ho!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped, My wife is drowning and I cant swim. Please save her. Ill give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, Okay, buddy, wheres my hundred?

The man said, Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said… Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?

Posted for: Chaplain Palindro Meemordnilap

Chaplains thought

Today is the feast of St. Nicholas (the original Santa Claus) who was a fourth century pioneer in microbiology and biochemistry. We dont know an awful lot about him except:

1. He managed to create a race of stunted, servile humanoids who were impervious to cold and had great manual dexterity.

2. Studied the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide on water buffalo, elk, caribou, and reindeer.

3. Left the corpses of his enemies impaled on pikes along the road leading from the field of battle.

Besides vague historical references to his possible origin of what is now Romania and a health condition that required ingestion of large quantities of human blood to stay alive, thats all we know about Santa Claus.

I guess theres a lot of wonder in unconditional and serendipitous concern in a world that can seem uncaring and unconcerned. Its like seeing that red beam of laser light on the forehead of very dark situations.

We should be reminded of that yet today when we see candy canes because really they represent St. Nicks staff of smiting. Even if the commercial vendors and many others dont know it, many people do care about us but could give a rats ass whether or not there are any more Tickle-me-Elmos still on the shelves.

Likewise, on the first day of Kwansaa (which is basically an excuse for Jehovah Witnesses to exchange gifts) a duck or other such waterfowl is set ablaze as onlookers sing praises to ward off those evil spirits who roam the prime material plane looking for bad children to eat.

No matter what religion, culture, or sect you adhere to, try to remember the spirit of the holidays when you see lamps, candles, candy canes, or even a burning duck. The true meaning of Christmas is often lost in these hectic holiday shopping spasms and can really be for us a real reminder of the holy in our lives and the wonder of it all seen many times through the eyes of children on which these seasons have a focus.

God Bless

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.



They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?

1. After sending someone an email, you phone to tell that someone that youve sent them an email.
2. All your bookmarks are tech support sites.
3. Look at your email address. Does it end in aol.com?
4. You keep forgetting which side of the mouse you use to right-click.
5. When your computer freezes, and someone tells you to turn up the heat in the room, you actually do it.

A man and a woman met in an elevator. Where are you headed today? the man asked. Im going down to give blood. How much do you get paid for giving blood? Oh, about $20. Wow, said the man, Im going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100. The woman then walked off angrily. The next day, the man and woman met at the elevator once again. Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today? Sperm bank, she said with her mouth full.