Old and New Jokes

Urgency varies inversely with importance.

How do you know whether a limousine is owned by a Jew?

Hes got a pay phone at the back.

1. Woman who goes to mans apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web–lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon–one prick, all gone.

9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong–man with four balls cant walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. When lady say no, she mean maybe, When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes–she no lady!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She goes completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, she screamed at him, how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: Ill explain the toy… if you explain the kids.

A man asked his wife, What would you most like for your birthday?

She said, Id love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned, Actually, honey, I meant dress size!

Rabinowitz is coming back to Israel. The customs officer asks him what he has in his heavy suitcase and Rabinowitz responds: Bird-feed for my parrot. The officer is still suspicious and opens it. Its all coffee! Didnt you say it was bird-feed for my parrot? asks the officer. Rabinowitz responds: If she doesnt eat it, thats her problem.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.

UNIX Airways



Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.



Air DOS



Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and letthe plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jumpon again, and so on…



Mac Airlines



All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look andact exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you aregently but firmly told that you dont need to know, dont want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.



Windows Air



The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easybaggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutesin the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Yo mama so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch…

According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.