Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

179. Walk into walls.

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont be.

4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

Care to go upstairs and do it? the husband asked.

Shh! said the bride All the neighbors will know what were about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, well have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, Have you left the washing machine door open instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks, I dont suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

No, I definitely shut it, replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

No, thanks, said the husband. It was only a small load so I did it by hand.

Just a few hints about what to say around the office …

Top 20 ways to eloquantly say Your Fly Is Open

The cucumber has left the salad.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
Youve got Windows in your laptop.
Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier aint so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

and the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped…

I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

No, his friend said, its named for Fredrick Mann, from Philadelphia.

Really? Ive never heard of him. What did he write?

A check.

GARNER THOMSON

The ARGUS Foreign Service (April 1994)

LONDON – Two journalist lovers knew they had a scoop when the Duke and Duchess of York sat down to have dinner at the next table. But tabloid demands being what they are, both knew the story was worthless without a photograph. Nic North sprinted to the home of his girlfriends mother to borrow a camera.

Tracey Kandohla stayed at the restaurant. A breathless Nic returned with the camera and snapped a picture. The Yorks were annoyed, but, in spite of arguing with the couple, failed to get them to surrender the film.

It was only when they had left the restaurant that Nic and Tracey hit a snag. They worked for rival newspapers – Nic for the Daily Mirror, Tracey for The Sun – and they knew that neither paper would be interested if the photograph wasnt an exclusive.

Nic insisted it was his picture – he had fetched the camera and grabbed the shot. Tracey pointed out that it was her mothers camera and film. But Nic raced off and got the film to the Daily Mirror, leaving a fuming Tracey behind. The Sun launched a late-night court bid to get a share of the scoop, but falled.

Now – matched by the news that the Yorks have no plans to resume their marriage – comes the report that Nic and Traceys relationship is, as a friend put it, divided.

Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.

IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.