There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
Tell you what. I have a proposition for you, said the woman.
If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?
Sure, said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied 382. Wow! said the herder.
That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home. So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, Okay, now I have a proposition for you.
What is it? queried the woman.
If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?
University of Alaska
Statewide Dept. of Human Resource Development
303 Tanana Drive, Room 1, Bunnell Bldg.
Fairbanks, Alaska 99701
Sirs,
Ive decided to apply for your position as a systems
programmer even though I hate snow worse than I hate snakes.
Ive been training for going on two years now at a local
community college in data processing, computers, and that sort of
stuff and have probably learned all about MVS/SP, JES2, ACF/VTAM,
NCP, CICS, IDMS and a bunch of other letters you didnt even list
(In fact, theres about 26 of them total)!
I feel that this qualifies me in that respect. As for IBM
systems, I have an IBM Selectric and even an IBM wall clock at
which my current boss says I watch better than anyone else here.
You list Assembly but that seems like a typo to me because that
is a hardware thing, nothing real programmers are supposed to do.
However, if you will train me I will even buy my own tools
provided you dont let any other real programmers see me doing
it.
I see that you list competitive salary but if the best you
can do is to compete with my current salary I dont think I can
afford the job. I thought programmers made lots of money. But
Im easy. We can talk about that later.
Please note that Ive included my phone number and address
but if you like you can just have my ticket waiting at the
airport if thats more convenient. Alaska Airlines first class
will be good enough.
By the way, just what does a systems programmer do? (You can
save that for the interview if you like.)
Im glad to see youre an equal opportunity employer. My
boss says you would need to be to hire an obnoxious bastard
like me. Is that a protected group?
Well, act quick cause Im going fast.
Sincerely,
Poindexter D. Bytechip
Brent C.J. Britton <Brent@Maine.bitnet>
You might be a redneck if…
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday.
Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in.
They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch.
Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The soft bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself.
The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.
So thats how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be said Commissioner Appleton.
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "Ive played so poorly all day, I think Im going to go drown myself in that lake."The caddy looks back at him and says, "I dont think you could keep your head down that long."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married.
Why not? giggles the woman.
Good, he replies. Get your own blanket!
What sounds do Porkey Pines make when they are kissing ? OUCH !!!!!!
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One… Boomer Esiason.
My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.
On the subject of Cheers, my favorite setup occurred as follows:
Diane comes in to Cheers and the gang virtually ignores her. Then Norm walks in.
Gang: NORM!!!!
Norm: Hello everybody.
Diane: How come you guys cant do that when I walk in?
Sam: You know, youre right Diane. Walk out and come back in.
Diane walks out and then comes back in.
Gang: NORM!!!