Old and New Jokes

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didnt miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, And while youre in there, you might as well get my hat, too …

The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he

finally came over to our table and said…I am Polish and I can

take a Polish joke as well as the next Polack, but your continued

bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change

the subject?

We did.

Shortly thereafter…..my friend had to to to the bathroom and the

burly Polack got up and followed him into the bathroom.

They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out,

I asked my friend what What happened in there?

He said Well, you saw him follow me into the can…….Well he

pulled a RAZOR ON ME!

Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever

been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN!

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got alife sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Martstore. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned hispetty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than threeyears ago, Floridas repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for lifewithout the possibility of parole.INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitationworker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. Ina drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun wentoff, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someoneelse had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in hisunderwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealedweapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentencefor those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violentcareer criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. Themans public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the mans injury ispunishment enough.HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE? A luckless thief pleadedguilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. Thethief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked himto go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took thedollar, went inside the store… and called the police.OOPS! OF THE WEEK A thief in Myrtle Beach,South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if youre going to steal restaurantequipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owners grandchildren before settingthe stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovannis Pizzeria inCalabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery.A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant –where cops found pictures of Ubbings grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. Theowner of the second restaurant was arrested.I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA! During a high schoolbreak-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classroomsand amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When theycouldnt figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasnt loadedand left it behind. The men apparently didnt realize theyd been fooling around with adigital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded thesnapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. Thesuspects were quickly arrested.I THOUGHT THISD BE THE LAST PLACE THEYDLOOK…! A Nevada fugitive wanted onfraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for ajob… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the mans fugitive statusduring a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility testsbefore being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise ofgetting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.AND FINALLY… Admitting his 0-4 record isnot impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dogfor the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his firstowner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier,drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an expresstrain, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner wont be told of Luckys record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do somethingsilly."

Se encontraba una chica en un crucero y en su diario había escrito lo siguiente:

Día 1: El Capitán del barco es muy apuesto.

Día 2: El capitán me mira de una forma muy provocativa.

Día 3: El capitán me dijo que si no me dejo fornicar iba a hundir el barco.

Día 4: Acabo de salvar la vida de 599 personas.

MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

Florida is finally re-admitted to the union.
Spotted Owl plague now threatens Western crops & livestock.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President.
50 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event… Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally… Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 CHAD sells at Sothebys for 9.6 million.
Ozone created by Electric Cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour.
American owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in U.S.A.
White minority demands civil rights and reparations.
New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.

*** NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some.

STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes. ***

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?

Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out –

I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!!!

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, Well…every morning, my father gets up,

bangs on the bathroom door, and yells –

Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?!

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they werent mine.

His second friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasnt mine.

Paddy says: I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

No Im serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Sixs Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

Youve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. Youre supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…

Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.

What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?

Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. Im going to fry that sucker.

If youre not going to do it right, dont do it at all. Dont just throw them on, like you do the icicles. Youre worse than your father.

Give me that!

Youve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.

I dont care if you have found another two strings, Im done!

Youve just wound em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldnt look like a spiral this year?

Have you been drinking?

Wheres the cat?

Maria and Sjefke, both 14 years old (and Belgian), were playing together in the attick.

Mother shouts up: Maria and Sjefke, what are you doing in the attick?

Were making love, mother

Then it is ok, but dont let me catch you smoking!