Old and New Jokes

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:



1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont be.

4. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horses tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldnt tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

*before you read this falaphel can also mean the pendants on an isreali soldiers uniform

There are two isrealis in the front of a car and an american in the back. One israeli says two the other look at that man and his falaphels.

So the american says falaphels, where i am hungry

A woman walks into a doctors office and when she sees the person wearing white she says: Oh, Doc I have this terrible stomach ache for a few days, whats wrong with me?

He asks her to undress, lie on the bed and spread her legs. After a short examination he says: Oh my God, Ive never seen such a thing. Can you wait until I get someone else to see you?

He returns in a few minutes with another guy wearing white that performs the same examination and reacts: Youre right, but Ive never seen such a thing as well.

The woman that was very tense: Doctors, can you please tell me whats wrong with me?

They: We dont know, were only the painters. The doctors are out for lunch.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.

Oh Lord, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.

Joe again looked up and prayed…Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well.

Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.

Once again, he prayed…Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order …

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:

JOE, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE … BUY A TICKET!

Back in the bad old days when I was working in a fast food joint…

There was one female type person on the night crew. A very attractive
young lady with a penchant for wearing mini-skirts. Needless to say,
we did not object to this in the least. In fact, we used to let her
wipe down the tables up front, instead of slopping the french fryers
and such. Admittedly one of our reasons was that in order to wipe
down the tables she had to lean far over them and stretch. Generally
facing away from the counter.

This was when we learned that she tended to wear panties that matched
her nail polish. No kidding! She came in one day with black nail polish
with silver speckles, and it turned out that she was wearing black
panties with silver spangles. Another day, she came in wearing pink
nail polish on one hand, and blue on the other. The panties were blue
on one cheek, and pink on the other.

But … one evening … great anticipation … When would she EVER go
out and wipe the tables ??? … She came in to work, and she was wearing
no nail polish!

She never did tables that night, and we never knew.

I suspect we were set up.

Clif Flynt

It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, I love my BMW, I love my BMW. Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. My BMW! My BMW! he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, Sir, sir, youre bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!

The lawyer, horrified, screamed My Rolex! My Rolex!

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. Doctor, he asked, in total frustration, is there anything you can do for me? The doctor replies, Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you. So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.



The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.



The mans face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, Will you marry me?



The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, NO.



The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. WOW, he screamed out loud, this is great! But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. Frog, will you marry me? the guy shouted.



The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, NO! The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, This is fantastic. He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, Frog will you marry me?



The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of rings:
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring