Old and New Jokes

If something doesnt absolutely, positively have to be there tomorrow,
you can always hang on to it until it does.

A man calls home to his wife and says,Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. Well be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Ive been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? Were leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?He says, Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.But why didnt you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?The wife replies, I did, theyre in your tackle box.

I have some good news and some bad news.
Well give me the good news first, The patient said.
Were going to name a disease after you.

Customer: Your sound card is defective and I want a new one. Tech Support: What seems to be the problem? Customer: The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. Its defective! Tech Support: You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa. Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packards DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldnt solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?

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A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printers tech support number, complaining about the error message: Cant find the printer.

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldnt find it! (YEE-HAW!)

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Customer: Hello? Im trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, No Carrier, on my screen. Whats wrong?

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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer. (Training stresses that we are not the Soft-ware Police, so I let the little act of piracy slide.) Tech Support: Umm-hmm. What happened? Customer: As I put each disk in it turns out they werent initialized.

Tech Support: Do you remember the message exactly, maam? Customer:(proudly) I wrote it down. This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it? Tech Support: Er, what happened next? Customer: After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I cant read them in the

A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?

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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, Leave me alone!

They both jumped back, silenced. What the . . . the teacher said. I typed, I said leave me alone!

The kid got real upset. I didnt do anything to it, I swear! It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: Dont touch me!

Her: Im sorry, I didnt mean to hit your keys that hard.

Me: Who do you think you are anyway?! Etc. Finally, I couldnt contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

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I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing

A: and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldnt type the dot over dot thingie and that every time he tried to type the dot over dot thingie he kept getting the dot over comma thingie no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

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This guy calls in to complain that he gets an Access Denied message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: OK, lets try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer: Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.

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Email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, Its about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago! ****************

There was this drunk who said to the bartender, I want a woman! so the bartender gave him directions to a place.

The drunk was so messed up that he couldnt remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctors office.

The lady at the counter asks, Can I help you?

The Drunk says, Yes, I want some service. So the lady replies, Go in the other room and put it on the table.

So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.

The lady comes in and says, Thats not a foot!

The drunk replies, Give it time, lady, Give it time.

Un tacaño padre le pide a su hijo:

Anda, hijo, ve a decirle al vecino que nos preste el martillo para clavar un clavo.

El pequeño va con el vecino y vuelve enseguida.

Papá, papá, dijo el vecino que no nos puede prestar el martillo porque se le gasta.

¡Piedra desgraciado, hay que ver lo tacaño que son algunos! ¡Bah! ¡Ach… está bien, entonces trae el nuestro!

One day a guy was driving home from work urging for baked beans.After so long he finally went into a nearby restaurant and ate 5 servings of beans.He drove home and his wife told him she had a surprise for him,so she blindfolded him.Just then the phone rang and the wife went to get it but said whatever you do, dont peek and sat him at the dining room table.The guy noticed the beans satrted to have an affect.He lifted up his leg and let out a big one.He kept farting and finally the wife got off the phoine.She walked into the dining room and said …..whats that smell?…….It was time for his surprise so the wife took off his blind fold and there were guests all around the table for his birthday.

A little boy name mickey would look into his parents key hole to there room every night and see his mom jumping up and down on top of his dad. One day johnny asked his mom why she would jump up and down on daddy every night and she replied to make him skinny, then Mickey replied Mommy you are wasting your time because after you leave for work the next morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, Do you know what Im doing?

Yes, she replied, youre checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

That is right, said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. Do you know what Im doing now? he asked.

Yes, the woman said, youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

Correct, replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patientand started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, Do you know what Im doing now?

Yes, she said. Youre getting herpes – which is why I came here in the first place.

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasnt much of an accomplishment. Ah, but youre wrong. I did it in record time. When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasnt that great. Oh yeah? said the commander in chief, Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!