Old and New Jokes

Thymes Law: Everything goes wrong at once.

Friendship among Women:

A woman doesnt come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friends house. The man calls his wifes 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man doesnt come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friends house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim hes still there

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and
said to the woman, Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under
the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, No he did not. He just walked in
the door.

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, Rabbi, I have


a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only


know how to say one thing.

What do they say? the rabbi inquired.

They only know how to say, Hi, were prostitutes. Want


to have some fun?

Thats terrible! the rabbi exclaimed, but I have a


solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots


over to my house and I will put them with my two male


talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.


My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that


terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise


and worship.

Thank you! the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbis house.


His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in


their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots


and the female parrots say, Hi, were prostitutes, want to have some fun?

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and


exclaims, Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!

Getting a divorce is a mixed bag, some good things and some bad things. Here is a list to help you see both the bright and the dark side of the institution of divorce …

10 bad things

She gets half of everything but the bills
Without keeping your home just slightly warmer than Satans dominion, electric company no longer awards you Top Gigawatt User status
No more weekly episodes of Watch Her Butt Expand
People less understanding when youre late to an event
Senseless accidental death of spouse would have been a more romantic and fulfilling way to lose her
Belief in your ability to pick a soul-mate is shot to hell
Vacations can no longer be spent going to exotic and exciting spots like her parents home in Idaho
Now a woman crying can be caused by any number of confusing reasons rather than the straightforward its your fault cause
Giddiness and joy of annual Dual-Income-No-Kids tax rape merely a distant memory
Screwing your 17-year-old step-daughter wasnt the cause of your marital difficulties

10 good things

Your divorce lawyer can afford a new car
Friends are now something you can have instead of a TV-show youre forced to watch
No more nightly shrieking makes it easier to hear a movie without turning up the volume
My wife just left me great for sympathy among other women-folk
Having a beer is no longer a high crime
Regain possibility of having sex
Helpful marriage counselor now free to actively destroy someone elses relationship
Comforting may be done in person rather than through a bathroom door
Quietly sitting through tired, cliched chick-flick movies may now be rewarded with sex
Luckily you never spawned freakish mutant children that the bitch would have surely produced

Copyright 1999, Welds Press

These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. Theyre
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
This small Wacko cult isnt giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Try playing Feelings over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing Feelings over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. Theyre a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Sickos.
STD

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Were getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Not until weve wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koreshs sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Whos going to stand up for
a cult leader whos abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Weve had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slighty Worried

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
We havent gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2×3276

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
>Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill

>To: President William Clinton
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
>Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill

>To: Members of the Press
>From: President William Clinton
>Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error theyve made. I take full
reponsibility. It wasnt my fault.
The President

IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagans light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word penis in
tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her
class.The next day she went into the room, and she
saw, in larger letters, the word penis again on the
black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the days
lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board,
each days word, larger than the previous days word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead, found the
words,

The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!

Knock Knock

Whos there?



Ach



Ach who?



God bless you.