Old and New Jokes

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheastone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millies characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered his capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.

Fully excited, Milli Amp cried, MHO, MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO.

With his tune operating at maximum amplitude, her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cutoff point. The heavy current flow made her tubes of anode very hot and Micro Farad was rapidity discharged and drained of every electron.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.

Later, Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.The mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix em, put em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…
Try doing it with the engine running.

You might be a redneck if…
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming lifesaver! lifesaver!

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks cherry or grape?

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* All generalizations are false.

* As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!

* Friends dont let friends drive naked.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

* Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!

* Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas – Taking the dog. –Dorothy.

* Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

* Im out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

How does every ethnic joke start?
– By looking over your shoulder.

Ive changed my mind a dozen times.

It seems to work better now.

An internist, a surgeon and a pathologist decided that they were working too hard and that they should go duck hunting together.

A couple of mornings later found them sitting in a duck blind waiting for the birds. Pretty soon a bird appeared on the horizon.

The internist watched it carefully as it came over and said, Gentlemen, observe the colorful plumage, the quacking call and the web feet trailing behind.

As the bird disappeared out of range, he said, Based on my observation, I would venture that we have seen a duck, but further tests may be necessary before we decide on a course of action.

The other doctors looked blankly at him, but there was a slight sneer from the surgeon. It wasnt long until another bird appeared. They waited until it came closer and then the surgeon leaped to his feet with his gun. Blam… Blamm… Blaaaammm…

Feathers and pieces of feet, blood and guts and bill exploded overhead. A sorry looking carcass fell into the blind. The surgeon turned to the pathologist and said, Hey boy, wouldja mind runnin over and get that damn thing and tell me if it was a duck

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks –

W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesnt answer him.

The guy asks several more times: W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment? And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, why wouldnt you answer that guys question?

The clerk answers, D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

She offered her honor, He honored her offer, And so all night long,

it was on-her and off-er!