Old and New Jokes

Its a good thing that William Ewart Gladstone is dead.
Hes been buried an awful long time.

Q: Do you know the generic name for Viagra?

A: Mikoxafloppin

Two goldfish were in their tankThe one turns to the other and says:You man the guns, Ill drive.

You might be a redneck if…
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

Theres this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, What do you think youre doing? The drunk says, I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and Im waiting on my house. Wont be long now, there goes my neighbor.

En una Iglesia de un pueblo están haciendo una obra y uno de los albañiles observa que cuando van las muchachas a confesarse siempre llegan llorando y el cura las acompaña agarrándolas de la mano hasta la sacristía. Pasado algunos minutos el cura abre la puerta y la muchacha que antes había entrado llorando ahora sale totalmente transformada con una sonrisa de oreja a oreja.

El albañil, muy extrañado, le pregunta al cura: ¿qué es lo que le hace usted a las muchachas que entran tan tristes y llorosas y salen tan alegres y sonrientes?

Y el cura le contesta: Les pongo una inyección de fe.

El albañil le responde: Pues ciérrese la bragueta que todavía lleva la jeringuilla fuera y goteando.

Se encuentran un chino un norteamericano y un tontilandés viajando por el desierto, cuando de pronto se descompone el coche en que viajaban.

Sin mas remedio deciden que tendrán que terminar el viaje a pie, pero antes de irse el chino propone que cada quien tome una parte del auto que le pudiera ser útil en el camino.

Así el chino toma el radiador, el norteamericano toma el asiento y el gallego la puerta. Después de varias horas deciden tomar un descanso y usar las cosas que habían tomado del auto.

Entonces el chino le pregunta al norteamericano:

¿Y tú por qué trajiste el asiento?

Pues lo traje para sentarme en él cuando me canse.

¿Y tú por qué trajiste el radiador? le pregunta el norteamericano.

Pues cuando me da sed tomo agua de él.

Y los dos le pregunatan al tontilandés:

¿Y tú, por qué trajiste la puerta si no sirve de nada?

Y les contesta:

Ah, claro que sirve, porque cuando me de calor nada más bajo el vidrio y así entra el airecito.

Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk youd better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please dont take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:

You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

Im sure youve been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Alabama:
At Least Were not MississippiAlaska:
11,623 Eskimos Cant be Wrong!Arizona:
But Its a Dry HeatArkansas:
Litterasy Aint EverthingCalifornia:
As Seen on TVColorado:
If You Dont Ski, Dont BotherConnecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less CharacterDelaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our WaterFlorida:
Ask Us About Our GrandkidsGeorgia:
Without Atlanta were AlabamaHawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes…
Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real GoodIllinois:
Please Dont Pronounce the "S"Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave FreeIowa:
We Do Amazing Things With CornKansas:
First Of The Rectangle StatesKentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last NamesLouisiana:
Were Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But Thats Our Tourism CampaignMaine:
Were Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap LobsterMaryland:
A Thinking Mans DelawareMassachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than SwedensMichigan:
First Line of Defense From the CanadiansMinnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 MosquitoesMississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own StateMissouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at WorkMontana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little ElseNebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto ContestNevada:
Whores and Poker!New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us AloneNew Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent PetsNew York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…North Carolina:
Tobacco is a VegetableNorth Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!Ohio:
We Wish We Were In MichiganOklahoma:
Like the Play, only No SingingOregon:
Spotted Owl… Its Whats For DinnerPennsylvania:
Cook With CoalRhode Island:
Were Not REALLY An IslandSouth Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the NorthSouth Dakota:
Closer Than North DakotaTennessee:
The Educashun StateTexas:
A Whole Nother Country!Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your JesusVermont:
YepVirginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?Washington:
Help! Were Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family — Really!Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our CheeseWyoming:
Wynot?