Old and New Jokes

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven?

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno, Abe. But lets make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol….

Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?

Yes it is Sol, whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?

Well, says Abe says, I got good news and I got bad news.

Gimme the good news first, says Sol.

Abe says, Well… there is baseball in heaven.

Sol says, Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?

Abe sighs and whispers, Youre pitching on Friday.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.



The girl came up to him and asked What do you have under the newspaper, mister?



A bird, the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.



When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, Idont know.



I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is Im here.



Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her What did you do to that naked fellow?



After a little pause, the girl replied, To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but hes too polite to say anything.



When I tee off, the singer explains, I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.



Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.

When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldnt possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.



But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, OK, its your money… when do you want to play?



Stevie replies, Ill play on any NIGHT you choose!

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Um, I mean… Um, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Did you spill on it a glass of Coke?

Did the power supply start to smoke?
Did it go up with a bang?

Did it on the boot-up hang?
Did it read a file wrong?

Did it play its start up song?
Did it open your data disk?

Did your OS come with RISC?
Did the keyboard work at all?

Did you plug it in the wall?
Did the mouse move left or right?

Did your cursor drop out of sight?
Did the printer make your copies?

Did you backup onto floppies?
Did your hard disk icon flip?

Did you check out all the DIPS?
Did you download files off the Net?

Did you check for a virus yet?
Did you re-install your apps?

Did the text appear in all caps?
Did the modem even start to dial?

Did you change any fonts style?
Did you all errors weve reported?

Did you know thats not supported?
Did you load any brand new drivers?

Did you say you used some PLIERS?
Did you install memory chips in pair?

Did you…YOU PUT THE FLOPPY WHERE?
Did you use the free CD we included?

Did you know that problem is warranty excluded?
Did you give all the connections a good tightening?
Did you know you shouldnt run it during lightening?
Did you you install system fresh?

Did you the reset button press?
Did the system theme make you frown?

Did you bring the whole network down?
Did everything just work okay?

Did you turn on your monitors display?
Did you make changes, oh that many?

Did you know there is no key any?
Did your problem appear right out of the blue?

Did you know you havent got a clue!

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, Son, things havent been going very well and Im afraid well have to sell your duck. Im really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if youre interested. He replies, Id sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck. Well, she says, maybe we can work something out.

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying…..

When they come out, she is breathless and says, Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, Ill give you back your duck.

As you might guess, hes all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, Ive got this friend whos husband is a real loser. He hasnt even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. Im gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead. She calls her friend and tells her, You wont believe this kid Im gonna send over to you. He is the best Ive had in years. Hes just what you need.

What none of them know is that the womans husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the womans house and the husband meets him on the road and says, Look boy, Ill give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife. Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father sees him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says, Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!

Dad, he says, You wouldnt believe the day Ive had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!

Researchers say theyve discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes…

… Must be a rubber tree …

Government should be run like a business. Weve all
heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue
Service (nobodys favorite government agency) would be
like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a
successful private enterprise).

The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be
mailed the week before the new year. However it will
follow Microsofts example and actually ship them the
following May.
Responding to pressure from some large corporations and
a users group, some early copies of the tax forms will
actually be released in March. The recipients must
sign non-disclosure agreements.
In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS
loses a suit for appropriating some other countrys
intellectual property.
When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to
your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft
sends its product upgrade notices.
When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then
to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also
you need to send in a new registration card and get a
new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you
have to submit the original first page of your previous
years form.
Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax
return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the
the prior year is no longer supported.
The IRS telephone help will remain similar to
Microsofts, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover
personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but
the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free
phone number.
After struggling with reams of dense documentation of
complex options and rules, you discover that you will
need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in
order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40
for that publication.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue
immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and
clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should
be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets
of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will
be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual
taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-
profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of
Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving
speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only
to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code
will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely
kept secret until they are published.

Michael Glass mglass@fnalv.fnal.gov
Reva Freedman freedman@merle.acns.nwu.edu

(This joke is best told and not read. It helps if you can do dialects.)

Time: late 1940s

Place: New York

There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple
when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room
for the night. As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, Why
dont we try this one? The other says, Are you crazy? It says on the
sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It
means they dont let Jews in! To which the first man replies,
Restricted, reschmicted. Lets go in and have a little fun. Just
let me do all the talking.

So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk.

Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room!

Clerk: (Flustered. With a Connecticut clench) Im sorry, but this
is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here.

Man: What makes you think Im Jewish? Im just as Christian as you are!
Come on, ask me a Christion question!

The clerk decides to amuse him.

Clerk: OK. OK. Where was Jesus born?

Man: Such a question! Everybody knows that Jesus was born in a stable.
Come on, ask me another Christian question!

Clerk: (Impatient) Look. I know you are Jewish and you are not staying
here!

Man: Come on, ask me a question. Ask me, What for was Jesus born in a
stable!

Clerk: (visibly angry) All right! Why was Jesus born in a stable!?

Man: Because a schmuck like you wouldnt give his mother a room either!

Jeff David

10. That lighter comes in handy for birthday candles.
9. Your ex-spouse wanted you to quit and you wont give him/her the satisfaction.
8. The occasional holes in your clothes give you a needed excuse to shop
7. Philip Morris needs that money more than you do.
6. Those extra wrinkles give you that mature look.
5. The smell on your coat makes it easy to pick it out of a pile at a party.
4. If not for the smoking youd be perfect, and nobody likes a perfect person.
3. If your sense of smell came back youd have to do something about that litter box.
2. You wouldnt get any exercise at all if you didnt run outside the building every hour for a cigarette.
1. That rattle when you breathe reassures you that youre still alive.