One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, God, weve decided that we no longer need you. Were to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why dont you just go on and get lost.
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, Very well, how about this, lets say we have a man making contest.
To which the scientist replied, OK, great!
But God added, Now, were going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.
The scientist said, Sure, no problem and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathersaround. A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.
Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Ive been living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort tothis man.
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.
He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.
On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver, Sonny boy, I think Im going to fall asleep during this long bus ride. Can you wake me up when we get to New York? The Driver replied, Sure
thing. But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3 hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when all the other passengers disagreed the driver didnt change his mind.Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she said, Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time! and went back to sleep again.
How to make shopping fun for men…
Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they arent looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.
5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.
6. Move CAUTION: WET FLOOR signs to carpetted areas.
7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others youll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why wont you people leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti-depressant prescriptions?
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say PICK ME! PICK ME!
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, NO! NO! Make the voices go away!
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, Hey were out of toilet paper in here!
So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, Sorry, bud,
you need a tie for this place. Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages
around, but theres no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he
takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and
lets the ends dangle free. Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says
Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But dont start anything.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Razor!
Razor who?
Razor hands, this is a stick up!
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they cant afford any more pork.
Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Va un coche a toda velocidad por la pista saltándose todas las señales de circulación. Lo para un motorista de tráfico, y le dice al conductor con muy mal genio:
Oiga, a usted le vamos a dar un premio por lo bien que conduce. ¿En qué se lo gastará?
En sacar el carnet de conducir.
No le haga caso -dice su mujer-, está bebido.
Y la suegra, que va en el asiento de atrás y es un poco sorda, exclama:
¡Ya decÃa yo que con un coche robado no llegarÃamos muy lejos!