10
Mar

Baseball for Scotsmen

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring Run….run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run! All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, He doesnt have to run, he got four balls.

Walk with pr-r-ride man!

10
Mar

Getting rid of mother-in-law

Darling, says the husband, I know shes your mother but she has been living with us for twenty years now. Dont you think its time she got a place of her own?

MY mother? replies the wife I thought she was YOUR mother!

10
Mar

Prevention

How do you prevent your bagels being stolen?


Just put some lox on them.

09
Mar

English Lovers

An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Cest magnifique! and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,
Mais… Sacre bleu!! Ze woman – she is dead! and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
Albert… Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gastons field making love.

The police chief smiled and said;
Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Lamour! Zis is okay.

Mais non! You do not understand – ze woman she is dead!

Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henris story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.

Pierre, Pierre… this is Albert. I was in Gastons field… zere is a young couple naked aving sex.

To which Pierre replied,
Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,
Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!

Hearing this Pierre shouted,
Mon dieu! grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gastons field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said,
Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.

09
Mar

Ask Questions

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, How does this boat float?

The father thought for a moment, then replied, Dont rightly know, son.



The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, How do fish breath underwater?



Once again the father replied, Dont rightly know, son.



A little later the boy asked his father, Why is the sky blue?



Again, the father replied. Dont rightly know, son.



Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?



Of course not son. If you dont ask questions, youll never learn anything!

09
Mar

A new husband is like a girls father?

If its true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

09
Mar

An Indian goes into a

An Indian goes into a convience store and says Me needum to buy toilet
paper

The clerk says, Well we have some over here and points to the right.

The Indian says Me not have much money.

The clerk replies Well we have some no-name brands over here. and points
to the left.

The Indian says Whata ya mean no-name?

The clerk says Theyre Generic type brands.

The Indian takes them. The next day the Indian goes back to the store and
says You know that no-name stuff? My family give it
name. We call it John Wayne

The clerk asks Why do you call it John Wayne?

The Indian says Its rough, its tough, and it dont take no shit off an
Indian.

09
Mar

Motherhood was approaching and a close friend was responsible

It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not well with her attractive daughter. To her pointed questions, the girl tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching and that a close friend of the family was responsible.

With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friends house and confronted him. The man readily admitted his guilt.

But I have a very good reason. the soon-to-be dad said.

I doubt that Ill ever get married and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to. If your daughter presents me with a daughter, Ill give her $500,000. If she bears me a son, Ill make it a million.

Hearing this our distraught Mother was silent for a while. Then, finally, she gave her reply. Now see here, said the Mother, Thats totally unacceptable. If its a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance?

09
Mar

black people

What do you call 3 black guys in a barn?????????????

09
Mar

Lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovahs Witness

Did you hear about the lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovahs Witness?

He refused because he didnt see the accident but said he would be interested in taking the case.