Old and New Jokes

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. Its not for sale, said the proprietor.

Look, said the collector, that cat is dirty and undesirable, but Im eccentric. I like cats that way. Ill raise my offer to ten dollars.

Its a deal, said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

For that sum Im sure you wont mind throwing in the saucer, said the connoisseur. The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.

Nothing doing, said the proprietor firmly. Thats my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week Ive sold 34 cats.

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctors for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?

And the man says, Oh me and God? Were tight. We have a real bond, hes good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the mans wife and said, Id like to speak to you about your husbands connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?

And she says, That idiot, hes been peeing in the refrigerator!

A man in a bar walks up to the bartender and says I will bet you
$100 that if you set a shot glass down at the opposite side of the bar and I stand at this end of it I can pee in it without getting a single drop on the bar!
The bartender thinks for a moment, and then finally slaps down $100. He goes and sets up the shot glass at the opposite end of the bar. The man climbs up on top of the bar, pulls down his pants and proceeds to pee all over the counter and the bar patrons without making a single drop into the shot glass.
Although the bartender is disgusted he says Well it looks like you lost a hundred on that one!
The man smiles smiles, points to a few stunned men at a table and says thats okay, I bet those guys $200 that youd let me climb on top of the bar and pee on everthing

Q: Whats a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Eran tres homosexuales que llegaron a un hotel en el cual solo quedaba una habitación, con una sola recámara que tendrían que compartir.

Cuando se encontraban dormidos despertó uno de ellos, el que se encontraba en medio de los otros dos, tenía ganas de escupir, no sabía que hacer así que decidió escupir hacia arriba. El gargajo cayó en sus compañeros y estos, enojados, despertaron y le advirtieron que cuando fuera hacer una de sus cochinadas dijera cochinada para que se taparan .

OK, así quedó.

Más tarde el de en medio dijo cochinada y rápidamente los otros dos se taparon, y puuuuummmmm se echo un pedote.

Military training:

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

You simpleton! the officer barked. Dont you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

Yes sir, the solder answered apologetically. But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,

Lets eat one now and save the other until winter —that did it!

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. They had nothing to hold them to the rope. The rope began slipping and breaking.The brunette said, Girls, Im going to let go of the rope, since it cant hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me. There are also many more of you…" and she made a big speech about how special they were. At the end, all of the blondes started clapping.

Fred had not been feeling well, so he went to his long time doctor.

The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room.

Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really dont know how to tell you. Ive rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live.

Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order.

The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. Did you hear about Fred? Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!

This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred.

Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?

Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live.

But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS.

Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I dont want anyone screwing my wife!

Una muchacha va a una cita con su ginecólogo, toda preocupada y le dice:

Resulta que he tenido sexo con el carpintero, con el panadero, con el lechero, con el plomero, con el electricista …. Usted cree que ya sea hora que me ponga la T de cobre.

La T de cobre no sé hijita, pero la P de puta hace rato…

Un día, Jaimito llegaba de la escuela y va a buscar a su madre a casa, buscando buscando, se le ocurre entrar en la habitación de la madre, y se encuentra a su madre chingando con su padre.

Jaimito sorprendido les pregunta:

Mamá ¿que haces?

Jugando una partida al mus.

Jaimito se marcha a buscar a su abuela, para que le haga la merienda. Entra en la habitación de la abuela y se encuentra a su abuela con el abuelo chingando con su abuelo. jaimito les pregunta:

Abuelitos ¿que haceis?

Jugando una partida al Poker, le contesta la abuelita.

Al cabo de un tiempo la abuela, el abuelo, el padre y la madre, entran todos juntos en baño, y se encuentran a jaimito masturbándose.

Todos sorprendidos le preguntan a jaimito:

Hijito ¿que haces?

¡Jugando a un solitario!